It's interesting to see how people notice things that you don't expect them to.
Today, in my AP chem class, we were playing the card game Mafia (because we've already taken the AP exam).
And...well, first let me tell you this: I am a very jumpy person. You say boo to me in the hallway and I will jump. So, card games... they freak me out. I get into it too much and I end up screaming in fear and getting all twitchy. I'm like that with movies, too. Gosh. It's a curse. Even if I've seen the movie before! I jump and I scream like it's new to me! Some people really like watching movies with me because I'm hilarious to watch. But, I suspect alot of people just find it annoying. Especially in movie theaters. I'm sorry everyone! Ahh! >_<
Anyway, Mafia's a little worse then just any ole card game, because I get freaked out and then people start accusing me of being in the Mafia when I'm innocent--innocent, I say! And I'm all jumpy because... I'm freaking afraid to die? In a CARD GAME?
Yeah, I think I'm weird, too........
Anyway, Spencer (different Spencer), Sam, and Don were making fun of me. Well, everyone was at one point but they kept at it... And Spencer kept making fun of how I was saying that I was going to hurt him and my gestures.
When I eat, my body kind of folds inwardly; I slouch and tuck my arms in and munch on the food with my hands right by my mouth. So, he was mimicking me...
And, for a moment, I didn't notice that he was copying me. Because, I have never really taken notice of that. It was strange to think that other people notice that...
Also, during a round, everyone was analyzing the behavior of the medic persona and how they usually save themselves; it came up that there could be a selfless medic. And, Olivia chimed in, "Then it would be Whitney." Oh my goodness. It made me so happy. Isn't that sweet? I didn't think that people viewed me as selfless. I'm glad some people do! I don't know, it was really cool. Must be doing some things right. :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Inanimate Objects Love and Hate, too.
Oh my goodness. I am about to throw my sister's laptop out the window! Ok, no. I'm not really THAT upset. But, I do feel like going around, taking things out of people's hands, and throwing them to the ground... then walking away without any explanation.
I'm doing this English project that I actually really like! ...and since I wanted to fully unleash my creativeness into this project, I used my sister's laptop since she has this awesome program. (instead of boring 'ole moviemaker...)
But it's screwing up on me! Waaaaah! Whhhhy!? I've worked so hard.... Why are you so blurry?! So pixalated?! D:
This program hates me. I know it.
My dad commented, "There are two types of people. Programmers. And 'people.' Programmers know that programs are only tools--" At this point I stopped paying attention to his explanation of programs not having emotions.
Because I don't like that idea. Why can't we all just believe inanimate objects love and hate, too? Seriously, my phone doesn't simply "fall-out-of-my-pocket" by itself! It jumps. Jumps.
And my sister knows very well that video games always choose me to be nice to! Haha!
Also, I think we'd be a little more nice to our possessions and not abuse them, if we just acknowledge their human preferences affect their performance.
But... I'm pretty darn sure this program hates me. It could not contain my creativeness and it's trying to mess me up!
I only have two more days to finish this.
And that's one more then it should--the box with the numbers liked me and I drew the 2nd to last number to present my project to the class... Hahaha!
...SO. I'm freaking out.
I like this project. Why can't the program accept our love and move on? I'd like it too if it wasn't being so mean!
....C'MON! Stop being jealous!
**EDIT** An hour-ish later...
Alright! It's going better now! Thank you my tech-savvy father! I lovers you! :)
And thank you, program, for realizing that all you were being was jealous and that wasn't going to solve anything. ;)
I'm doing this English project that I actually really like! ...and since I wanted to fully unleash my creativeness into this project, I used my sister's laptop since she has this awesome program. (instead of boring 'ole moviemaker...)
But it's screwing up on me! Waaaaah! Whhhhy!? I've worked so hard.... Why are you so blurry?! So pixalated?! D:
This program hates me. I know it.
My dad commented, "There are two types of people. Programmers. And 'people.' Programmers know that programs are only tools--" At this point I stopped paying attention to his explanation of programs not having emotions.
Because I don't like that idea. Why can't we all just believe inanimate objects love and hate, too? Seriously, my phone doesn't simply "fall-out-of-my-pocket" by itself! It jumps. Jumps.
And my sister knows very well that video games always choose me to be nice to! Haha!
Also, I think we'd be a little more nice to our possessions and not abuse them, if we just acknowledge their human preferences affect their performance.
But... I'm pretty darn sure this program hates me. It could not contain my creativeness and it's trying to mess me up!
I only have two more days to finish this.
And that's one more then it should--the box with the numbers liked me and I drew the 2nd to last number to present my project to the class... Hahaha!
...SO. I'm freaking out.
I like this project. Why can't the program accept our love and move on? I'd like it too if it wasn't being so mean!
....C'MON! Stop being jealous!
**EDIT** An hour-ish later...
Alright! It's going better now! Thank you my tech-savvy father! I lovers you! :)
And thank you, program, for realizing that all you were being was jealous and that wasn't going to solve anything. ;)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Prom Thoughts.
I haven’t wrote anything for the past few days because I just couldn’t find anything substantial enough to write about. I only had prom on my brain… Which, I felt like it would be too cliché to continue writing about my thoughts on it. …But here I am.
I was worried about it, as I expressed before. And, the day before, I realized why I was so nervous. I was very concerned about if my date would have fun. There’s a lot of background to why I would worry so… But, I just didn’t want to ruin his time at prom… And, after realizing that was why I was nervous, I thought to myself, “That’s kind of silly. You should enjoy yourself if you want. He can decide to have fun or not on his own!” And, that really helped me get rid of a little bit of that nervousness and just be excited.
Anyway, it was wonderful. Better than I thought. My hair was done amazingly, as you can see. And my dress was perfect. :) I felt comfortable and I felt…beautiful… Despite my date’s lack of notice, or lack of conveying what he thought--which I don’t really mind that he didn‘t say much… it’s whatever! XD
Mostly because everyone else was SO encouraging! Sooo many wonderful compliments--even from people I didn’t know!
I am kind of shocked, also, about how I looked.
I’ve always felt strange when I look in a mirror and see myself. It’s almost as if I can’t believe I’m actually a person, not just a narrator observing everyone else’s lives. I don’t know why… it’s like I can’t recognize myself as someone, or comprehend how other people can recognize me. I can’t see what’s “good” or what’s “bad”. Is that describing plainness? But, I don’t know if that’s quite how I feel… It’s weird…
Anyway, so that’s why I was even more shocked yesterday, I couldn’t recognize myself, again, but in a different way! Hahaha! So, I was just happy about that. :) Thank you, everyone! :D You were all so very nice!
Oh, also, at prom, I actually danced. What? Whitney dance? Yeah. I did! I think I would’ve tried to get out of it if we hadn’t gotten on the dance floor so quickly--it caught me off guard and suddenly I was surrounded by people dancing. And my date was dancing. So… I did.
I hope I wasn’t too terribly embarrassing for him. Hahaha! But, I didn’t really care.
It was fun. And... it was a happy ending... But, it feels kinda sad to admit that.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"¡Tiempo para Español!"
Wow, this school year has just rolled by... Pretty much in all my classes, we're done. Reviewing is all we have left-- that and projects. Some, I actually enjoy doing and they leave me thinking, "Why didn't we do more of this, this year?"
And others... just leave me thinking, "...why." For example: A 5-paragraph essay... for MATH. What? Why? No. That doesn't work... It shouldn't... But, yes, that and another page paper on two articles with statistics in them. No me gusta.
Speaking of Spanish, (ha, speaking!)I think I speak Spanish more in AP Chem then I do in my actual Spanish class... Is that sad?
It's not that I don't like my Spanish class, it's nice... nice and early in the morning! Hahaha! But, I have a friend, Adam, in my chem class that's in Spanish III and we just randomly write conversations in Spanish on the board. :D
It's so fun because I can just ask him and he knows! And sometimes he doesn't remember a word-- and I do! Wahoo! Like, conseguir, I remembered that one today.
And, I learned what lightning is in español! I wrote on the board, "¿¡DONDE ESTA EL RELAMPAGO!? ¡DIME! ¡DIME! ¡AYUDAME! ¡Yo no consigo el RELAMPAGO!" And then I drew a picture of a person being struck my lightning, it was all very entertaining. (this was all after we studied diligently for the AP chem exam, of course)
Oh! I also learned today that when you write Spanish words in all caps you don't write the accent marks! Weird! (And handy) ;D
Today was just filled with laughter, it was wonderful. And, I still feel very giggly! :) Good day, good day indeed.
And others... just leave me thinking, "...why." For example: A 5-paragraph essay... for MATH. What? Why? No. That doesn't work... It shouldn't... But, yes, that and another page paper on two articles with statistics in them. No me gusta.
Speaking of Spanish, (ha, speaking!)I think I speak Spanish more in AP Chem then I do in my actual Spanish class... Is that sad?
It's not that I don't like my Spanish class, it's nice... nice and early in the morning! Hahaha! But, I have a friend, Adam, in my chem class that's in Spanish III and we just randomly write conversations in Spanish on the board. :D
It's so fun because I can just ask him and he knows! And sometimes he doesn't remember a word-- and I do! Wahoo! Like, conseguir, I remembered that one today.
And, I learned what lightning is in español! I wrote on the board, "¿¡DONDE ESTA EL RELAMPAGO!? ¡DIME! ¡DIME! ¡AYUDAME! ¡Yo no consigo el RELAMPAGO!" And then I drew a picture of a person being struck my lightning, it was all very entertaining. (this was all after we studied diligently for the AP chem exam, of course)
Oh! I also learned today that when you write Spanish words in all caps you don't write the accent marks! Weird! (And handy) ;D
Today was just filled with laughter, it was wonderful. And, I still feel very giggly! :) Good day, good day indeed.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Part of Life.
Oh my... So many things that I could write about...
Well, first off, I went to a funeral today. My first one.. (not counting one I went the one when I was very young.) It was my friend's grandma and, it was very sad...
The service was very sweet and this woman was such a great person: absolutely devoted to helping others, wonderful with kids, always smiling, and doing everything she could for God's glory. I was very inspired by what they said about her.
I... would like to have stuff like that be said at my funeral. I want to be someone people love and have been affected positively by.
Well... I was going to go onto some other thoughts that have been sitting at the front of my mind... But, now that I've re-thought about the funeral and stuff, everything else seems so pointless.
So, I'll just continue on this thought. We got into the long line of cars behind the herse, heading toward the cemetary. It was... very extrordinary. The way cars stopped completely on the side of the road... it filled me with the feeling of immense respect.
Of course, there were the people who were inching along, tapping on the side of the car, and just being plain impatient.
And, I was a tad aggravated about that.
My friends were dicussing it in the car, saying that no where is too important and that they couldn't just wait a minute, in respect for this loss. They wanted to put a sign out for them to read, something along the lines of, "It doesn't matter where you're going, this is where you end up." There were other suggestions, but I don't remember them.
This whole expierence just makes me think about how many more funerals am I going to have to go to in my lifetime? Especially as I get old.
During chapel, I watched sweet old ladies dab their eyes with kleenexes from the pain of separtation from their friend. And, I couldn't help but imagine myself, old and frail, attending my friends funerals. What will it be like? I hope my life will be filled with amazingly good things and death...will be the next step to a new life.
I know future funerals will be sad. But... it's a part of life, right? I know practically all my family will be going to heaven when they die, as well as myself... And that's a very wonderous thing.
"See you later."
Well, first off, I went to a funeral today. My first one.. (not counting one I went the one when I was very young.) It was my friend's grandma and, it was very sad...
The service was very sweet and this woman was such a great person: absolutely devoted to helping others, wonderful with kids, always smiling, and doing everything she could for God's glory. I was very inspired by what they said about her.
I... would like to have stuff like that be said at my funeral. I want to be someone people love and have been affected positively by.
Well... I was going to go onto some other thoughts that have been sitting at the front of my mind... But, now that I've re-thought about the funeral and stuff, everything else seems so pointless.
So, I'll just continue on this thought. We got into the long line of cars behind the herse, heading toward the cemetary. It was... very extrordinary. The way cars stopped completely on the side of the road... it filled me with the feeling of immense respect.
Of course, there were the people who were inching along, tapping on the side of the car, and just being plain impatient.
And, I was a tad aggravated about that.
My friends were dicussing it in the car, saying that no where is too important and that they couldn't just wait a minute, in respect for this loss. They wanted to put a sign out for them to read, something along the lines of, "It doesn't matter where you're going, this is where you end up." There were other suggestions, but I don't remember them.
This whole expierence just makes me think about how many more funerals am I going to have to go to in my lifetime? Especially as I get old.
During chapel, I watched sweet old ladies dab their eyes with kleenexes from the pain of separtation from their friend. And, I couldn't help but imagine myself, old and frail, attending my friends funerals. What will it be like? I hope my life will be filled with amazingly good things and death...will be the next step to a new life.
I know future funerals will be sad. But... it's a part of life, right? I know practically all my family will be going to heaven when they die, as well as myself... And that's a very wonderous thing.
"See you later."
Monday, April 25, 2011
Trivial Thoughts.
I'm so glad that it's getting warmer outside! :)
Unfortunately, it's too hot upstairs so, to keep cool, I have a fan in my window. And, I'm one of those weird people who want to be at least a little bit cold so, then I can have a blanket ontop of me. I feel so...unprotected without it... I'm like a little kid who hasn't realized that the covers offer no real protection against any danger.
Anyway, so, I can't stand when I'm too warm, so my fan is blowing cold air in.
But...the cold air is making my throat hurt! Gah! I can't win...
Hm. This saturday is my school's prom. I'm... kinda freaking out. I'm going with a friend, but still... I don't know. I'm nervous about my dress and about actually getting there... And... dancing.
I went to this Valentine's Dance a while ago with some of my friends and Spencer recently told me he thought it was really cool that I danced with other guys and enjoyed myself. That's... really nice to hear, because I was so nervous. And, it took a bit of sugar and another crazy friend to get me to loosen up.
I hope that'll happen at prom... It will. I'm just crazy and worry too much. It'll be fun. It will be fun. (that's me trying to convince myself, by the way)
There are so many other thoughts floating--more like zooming-- through my mind... But, there's nothing I feel like mentioning.
Oh, yeah, something that made me happy today: my English teacher, when I walked into our area in the library, said, "How are you today, my favorite blog person?!" Hahaha! I must've looked confused because for a second I had thought she had said "...my favorite blonde person." Hahaha! It tickled to me. :]
Unfortunately, it's too hot upstairs so, to keep cool, I have a fan in my window. And, I'm one of those weird people who want to be at least a little bit cold so, then I can have a blanket ontop of me. I feel so...unprotected without it... I'm like a little kid who hasn't realized that the covers offer no real protection against any danger.
Anyway, so, I can't stand when I'm too warm, so my fan is blowing cold air in.
But...the cold air is making my throat hurt! Gah! I can't win...
Hm. This saturday is my school's prom. I'm... kinda freaking out. I'm going with a friend, but still... I don't know. I'm nervous about my dress and about actually getting there... And... dancing.
I went to this Valentine's Dance a while ago with some of my friends and Spencer recently told me he thought it was really cool that I danced with other guys and enjoyed myself. That's... really nice to hear, because I was so nervous. And, it took a bit of sugar and another crazy friend to get me to loosen up.
I hope that'll happen at prom... It will. I'm just crazy and worry too much. It'll be fun. It will be fun. (that's me trying to convince myself, by the way)
There are so many other thoughts floating--more like zooming-- through my mind... But, there's nothing I feel like mentioning.
Oh, yeah, something that made me happy today: my English teacher, when I walked into our area in the library, said, "How are you today, my favorite blog person?!" Hahaha! I must've looked confused because for a second I had thought she had said "...my favorite blonde person." Hahaha! It tickled to me. :]
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I Give into the Lies...
I hate feeling sad. And I hate it when it comes out of nowhere.
--Rambling Start--
And, it just mutiplies when my thoughts begin to wander and form sentences from tiny seeds of doubt that sprout.
Before long, those seeds have grown into what seems like an impassible jungle.
Why do I give into the lies?
Because they somewhat have a logical ancestry?
I see people--people I think are great-- just dog on people around them and always gripe about friends behind their backs, with no intention of actually saying something to help solve irritations.
Why do I not trust people very easily?
Because I see what happens behind-the-scenes. I have no excepts to that. I'm not perfect... no one is... It's just so difficult to put myself out there when I know people will mock me.
People who say I'm awesome. People who say that we're friends.
Gosh, I wish I could just ignore everything I see and be ignorant. I'd be so much more happy.
Geez. Why do I always go up and down in how I feel? Why do I feel like no one wants me? Cuz it's not true. People tell me it's not true. And friends and family who read this, this must hurt them to know that I think that. It's so stupid. Stupid.
I don't want to feel like that. Why is my mindset still stuck in the mud? My knowledge knows better.
I try to act like things don't bother me. But, they do. I have realized alot of things and I'm know what I need to do to better myself, to be me, right now. Why is it so difficult to be yourself? Anyway, lately, I've figured this stuff out, as all these just mentally-heavy things just keep falling on me.
I thought I cried them out a couple weeks back! But I just buried some things again! It's so aggravating! What is it going to take for me to just... magically "get it" to "live it." Which is impossible. These hurtful things... they are steering me. And I don't want that! I want happy things. Gosh, I want a guy to actually like me. I want best friends that... are naturally my friends... I want. I want. I want.
I sicken myself, really.
Oh. God. I know... I know you've sent people to encourage me. My English teacher told me, when I was saying I compare myself to others too much, "Whitney. I compare everyone else to YOU."
And, Mr. Steve, my Sunday school teacher, said something along the lines of: "Whitney. I'm so proud of you.... I know God has such a great plan for you... I look at my granddaughter and think that I want her to be just like you. You are a wonderful young woman and it has been an honor to know you." And I'm crying at that point and at my keyboard, now...
And Spencer, one of the best friends I've ever had was just telling what an amazing person I am. And that he's so glad we're friends.
It makes me so happy that they say that... I... wish I wouldn't just take their words so lightly. They weigh on my heart, for sure, but everything negative thats been going on has been pushing everything good off the front row.
I see God helping me through this. I see it so clearly.
...
What am I doing? ...I feel so incredibly human.
I give into the lies.
*EDIT*
--30 minutes later--
Deep breaths. Blabababa! Ok. I'm better. Thank you, Spencer, for spoon-feeding me my own advice... Hahaha
I was minorly melting down and simply giving into the lies. When they're just that. Lies.
Sorry, guys. I'll leave this up, just to show you what goes through my mind when I'm left to apply pessimisic theories to my situations.
But mostly I'm leaving this up for myself. To see that it's not true. Just a passing thought, with no truth.
The wind will quickly blow away all false ideas that have no roots. Thank you, God.
--Rambling Start--
And, it just mutiplies when my thoughts begin to wander and form sentences from tiny seeds of doubt that sprout.
Before long, those seeds have grown into what seems like an impassible jungle.
Why do I give into the lies?
Because they somewhat have a logical ancestry?
I see people--people I think are great-- just dog on people around them and always gripe about friends behind their backs, with no intention of actually saying something to help solve irritations.
Why do I not trust people very easily?
Because I see what happens behind-the-scenes. I have no excepts to that. I'm not perfect... no one is... It's just so difficult to put myself out there when I know people will mock me.
People who say I'm awesome. People who say that we're friends.
Gosh, I wish I could just ignore everything I see and be ignorant. I'd be so much more happy.
Geez. Why do I always go up and down in how I feel? Why do I feel like no one wants me? Cuz it's not true. People tell me it's not true. And friends and family who read this, this must hurt them to know that I think that. It's so stupid. Stupid.
I don't want to feel like that. Why is my mindset still stuck in the mud? My knowledge knows better.
I try to act like things don't bother me. But, they do. I have realized alot of things and I'm know what I need to do to better myself, to be me, right now. Why is it so difficult to be yourself? Anyway, lately, I've figured this stuff out, as all these just mentally-heavy things just keep falling on me.
I thought I cried them out a couple weeks back! But I just buried some things again! It's so aggravating! What is it going to take for me to just... magically "get it" to "live it." Which is impossible. These hurtful things... they are steering me. And I don't want that! I want happy things. Gosh, I want a guy to actually like me. I want best friends that... are naturally my friends... I want. I want. I want.
I sicken myself, really.
Oh. God. I know... I know you've sent people to encourage me. My English teacher told me, when I was saying I compare myself to others too much, "Whitney. I compare everyone else to YOU."
And, Mr. Steve, my Sunday school teacher, said something along the lines of: "Whitney. I'm so proud of you.... I know God has such a great plan for you... I look at my granddaughter and think that I want her to be just like you. You are a wonderful young woman and it has been an honor to know you." And I'm crying at that point and at my keyboard, now...
And Spencer, one of the best friends I've ever had was just telling what an amazing person I am. And that he's so glad we're friends.
It makes me so happy that they say that... I... wish I wouldn't just take their words so lightly. They weigh on my heart, for sure, but everything negative thats been going on has been pushing everything good off the front row.
I see God helping me through this. I see it so clearly.
...
What am I doing? ...I feel so incredibly human.
I give into the lies.
*EDIT*
--30 minutes later--
Deep breaths. Blabababa! Ok. I'm better. Thank you, Spencer, for spoon-feeding me my own advice... Hahaha
I was minorly melting down and simply giving into the lies. When they're just that. Lies.
Sorry, guys. I'll leave this up, just to show you what goes through my mind when I'm left to apply pessimisic theories to my situations.
But mostly I'm leaving this up for myself. To see that it's not true. Just a passing thought, with no truth.
The wind will quickly blow away all false ideas that have no roots. Thank you, God.
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