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Oh, what to write about? What has happened lately?
I guess nothing much.
I've felt kind of empty, I guess. Slowly slipping back into apathy like I used to be in.
I don't like it. Especially since now, I can't hide it. My emotional guards are down.
I could cry at any tiny thing happening, when I'm not really upset. And, it's embarrassing and I just feel like I hurt the people around me.
I feel trapped by normalacy. I want to be free. I want to start walking. I want to just go somewhere on a whim!
Everything seems to just takes so much plaaaannning. Preeeparing...!
I just want to do.
It's terrible to feel like you're meant for something great, but then you feel so terribly insignificant.
I mean, yes, I know I am quite significant to the people around me... That should be enough.... It should....

I guess my problem right now is that I feel like I'm losing myself.
I am so blessed. Why isn't that enough?
God, where are you?
Why have you been replaced by a knot in my stomach?


But, don't worry-! Since I'm writing this down now, I'm doing better. I'm stealing Wesley's idea that he does like Dumbledore does with his memories: takes them out of his mind and puts them away. I'm doing much better. :)

Wesley, thank you for everything you do. I know it's difficult, whenever I'm just in a down mood... I bring you down, too, don't I? I'm sorry. But, thank you for being there. I just need to know it's ok and that you'll love me no matter what. Play with my hair. Make me food. Hold my hand. Tell me to rest. Write me a letter.
Hahaha, maybe that will help when you don't know what to do. :)
It's hard, I know. And, you already help with a lot of other people.
It's amazing that you care so much to the point that it breaks your heart that I'm not doing well. Thank you. :) Truly.
You do help. Never think you don't.

Never Told Anyone Before.

I’ve been trying to formulate something to write about this past few weeks.
I guess I’ve just been struggling lately. Not too bad, really. Just randomly anxious.

But, I’ve been really happy. I like to keep myself busy; do my schoolwork, get out of the house, ride my bike to Kroger, go for walks, hang with friends, stay outside mostly... I guess I feel antsy when I’m doing nothing.
I guess I’ve just been needing to do something.
Keep myself busy.
Get myself out of my thoughts.
That’s what I need.

I need to just live.I’m so much more happy when I’m just being crazy and hyper and not thinking. My thinking rips apart my reality. And leaves me looking at the scraps and wondering what’s real...

I’ve been starting a story idea, getting some character sketches down, mapping out possible plots. I like the idea. I hope it actually goes somewhere. I think, right now, I need to figure out if I want it to be a children’s book or something more.
I’m leaning toward children’s book. That way I don’t have to do so much of a concrete timeline.
I guess I need to figure out how to introduce the entire concept. Well, that and figure out the kinks of the main characters.
Heh. This... makes me happy, strangely. :] It makes me smile.
I like this feeling of creating something. An entire “world”. Maybe that comes from my desire for reality. Why not create a reality?

This should be... What I’m supposed to do, right?
I guess I’m afraid to come out and say it.
I’ve always thought I’d be writing when I grew up. I always knew.
Though, it makes my stomach hurt--because of thinking--that I possibly might be wrong. Bah! Stop it, Whitney.

That doesn’t matter. God’ll steer me from there. At least I’m going. Somewhere.

“It’s hard to steer a parked car.”

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this--even those close to me... It’s kind of silly.

It was a promise I had with God when I was in middle school...
I was just starting to draw and I would get SO frustrated because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t! It’s like I could think I could do it but my eyes and hands weren’t trained enough to truly “see” the detail. I cried a lot and tore a lot of pages then, in the aloneness of my room.

I knew that I was supposed to write. And, I wrote short stories and stuff, 100X better at writing than drawing.
To be honest, I wanted something for people to see in me. I was a shadow and a shoe-looker at school.

“If only I could draw” was my driving force.
Unconsciously, of course. I didn’t really recognize that’s why I truly wanted to draw, until much later.
[I’ve come to see that a lot of the changes that have happened to me, was me actually changing myself to fit in. Hasn’t truly worked... Hahaha! But, I feel like that “goal” has brought many good changes.]
Anyway, that’s why I would be so frustrated, thus the paper ripping...etc...
I didn’t want to write, then. Well, more like I forgot about it.
And, one day, I was sitting at my desk looking at my horrid drawings and I thought about how I wasn’t writing anymore... And, I prayed, along the lines of, “If I keep writing, will you help me with drawing?”
And He said yes.
Is that too dorky? Hahaha! I mean, He’s kept His promise... :} And, whenever I’m in an artist’s block or whatever, it helps to write something.

I don’t know. I enjoy that. It makes me feel close to Him. It especially helped me through some tough times.

Where is the Greatness?

Do you sometimes feel like you were meant for something greater? Almost like in the TV shows--the comic books?

Always expecting something great to happen...

Some stranger to recognize the greatness that you yourself had not fully seen or understood.

You look down at your hands in front of you. The palms facing upward; the fingers slightly curling in. There is power in those hands.

Your hands.

They’re yours...

They’re real...

...You’re real.


Why does life seem so bland? Where is the greatness? You look around you. Realizing you’re looking at a computer screen. The keys on the keyboard sitting there. The people around you--upstairs or downstairs; across the street or walking past you--they go about their lives. Everyday. They carry on.

Do you ever find yourself wondering why things aren’t extraordinary? How did life--as in day-to-day living--become so much just about...getting by? Where is the greatness?

Where is the fulfillment of dreams? How many people are on this Earth? More than 6 billion? Almost 7? And how many people have walked on this planet before us?

Graves scatter our grounds. They fill our earth. Marked and
unmarked.

I find myself getting sad whenever I pass cemetaries. So many dreams. So many thoughts. So many...attempts to “live”.
So much potential, but so much failure...

I’m not saying that people don’t do great things. Everyone does. We all affect those around us and it makes a bigger impact then we realize. Always changing our peers and our family. Constantly coming into contact with people.

But.

Do you ever feel like you were meant for more?

Having some sort of extraordinary power?

Averageness and blandness have grayed our world.

Where are the colors?

Where is the greatness?

In me?

Is it in these open hands in front of me...?

Why am I still droning on day-to-day like life is supposed to be just this.

I have a greater purpose then video games; then this computer in front of me; then the art I can create; then the words I can compose...

I’m not entirely sure what that greater purpose is yet.
...I hope it’s great.

...because I feel like I have greatness in me. Sure, you may think I’m great. But, really? Greatness. It’s something grander then you think...

It’s exciting. It’s purpose. It’s life.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m saying.
It’s just how I’m feeling.

I’m happy; I’m content; I’m smiling; I may be deep in thought--in feeling--but I’m not depressed or feeling useless. I feel inspired.

I have the potential of greatness.

The kind of greatness that only dreams make real.

Can it be real?

Can the amazing images of the imagination come true? Can they be brought into the world?

　

...Greatness...

Hmm...

Gotta Keep Praying, Smiling, and Laughing.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write. Hahaha!
I've been quite happy. I enjoy laughing and smiling.
And learning, I do enjoy learning. My school day goes by fairly quickly.
Because, I start out with a fun class in the morning, Visual Communications (working with digital design, which involves Art, and photography). I like all those things but, unfortunately it's a lower classmen class and I don't really know anyone.

And then I have Study Hall. Just get stuff done.

Then, English. I always try to skip this class and go straight to Pre-Cal. Hahaha! It's werid.
And Pre-cal's kinda the class that's "Just gotta get done with that." But, then it happens earlier then I think and suddenly it's 5th period--which is AP Art!
Yay!

I do enjoy Art quite a bit. Except it's super cold in there. And... I sit alone.
I mean, I guess it's better that way. I have more room and I get more stuff done.

And, I didn't do it to myself this time. I was originally in just Art IV. AP Art and Art IV share the same period and class because they're both small. So, Art IV's supposed to sit on the right side and AP Art's supposed to sit on the left.
I know no one in Art IV and I don't think they like me...
But, their square table got filled up, anyway. No more room even if I decided to sit by them.
So, I went and sat at the equally large other square table and sat alone.

I know a few people in the AP Art class. And there're some people I'd like to be friends with...
And even if I decided to move over there... there's just this tiny bit of room left on the end of their cluster of tables. No where near the people I'd like to talk to.

So, I don't know.

I mean, I do get my work done and I can spread my work out...

Oh, and I guess it kind of hurt me, in the first week when the only spot I could sit was by myself and a friend of mine (who's in AP Art) asked, "Whitney, why're you sitting alone?" And then said something along the lines of me being a recluse or anti-social or something.
And, he had already walked away before I could answer... that I really didn't have a choice...
I wish someone had decided to move over by me.

Bah! It's whatever. I enjoy Art class. :]

Oh, yeah, then it's AP Psych, which I throughly enjoy. The class is interesting and the teacher is very engaging and funny.
And then, I have Government. I was not expecting this to be a fun class. But it has turned out to be a wonderful way to end the day! I have friends in this class. And the teacher is sooooo funny! Time flies by in that class.

And before I know it, school's over! :)

When my mother picks Wesley and I up, we usually go outside and sit on the benches because there's barely anyone over there. And the bench is actually more comfortable then the school chairs (my butt hates those!). And we just laugh and talk about the day, and Wesley usually takes out his guitar and fiddles with it. :)I wanted to say "...which is enjoyable." But... I think I've used that like... 5 or 6 times already in this blog post... hahaha!

I guess I enjoy life...and using the word enjoy! Hahaha!

On another note, lately, I have learned the power of prayer. Before, I struggled with the concept that me praying did anything at all. But, really... It does do alot.
Mr. Simmons had sent this to me:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. --James 5:16 NIV

I have become content. And I have been pulled out of depressive states. And, more importantly, I see the effect on the people around me.


Also, I never trully understood the idea of fasting and what that actually does. But, now, I realize that showing your dedication and what you're willing to give up for a while just to... almost show God your faith. Show him that you're serious. It makes praying so much more earnest.
And, fasting doesn't have to be food; I think nowadays, fasting with food isn't that effective because we can get food very quickly and easily, when back then, preparing food took up a lot of time. You can fast by giving up TV or video games for a while. Really anything that takes up your time.


I don't know, I find it wonderful and I have a more... purposeful outlook now when I pray. It's not just an empty thought. God listens. He loves me and has been here for me through everything. And he's been with everyone.
That's so amazing. :]


Alright. September has just started. Life is starting to pick up the pace. I'm going to be 18 in twenty days. I need to get a job. And I need to apply to colleges.
But the future is bright. :)

Just gotta keep praying, smiling, and laughing and I think life will keep being enjoyable. :]

Is Anything Real?

Lately, I have been plagued by the feeling of disbelief that things exist--that they’re real.

I used to just have this feeling rarely when I would look in the mirror and realize how strange it is that I exist. Thoughts would stream through my mind: how in the world do people recognize me?--what do I look like to others?--am I really here?
It’s like I would realize that I’m not just observing the world.
...I’m not the narrator.
But, now... It happens all the time, not just about myself, either.

 I remember I went shopping with my mother during the summer and... I looked at her face. And it felt like I had never really looked at her face before. And, it felt strange that I was with her. That she was real.
An incredible sadness overcame me.

I realized I knew nothing--compared to how much she knew--about her. I’ll never...she her childhood. I’ll never truly know who
she is.

Is she real?

 Also, lately, with Wesley... I often find myself staring at him and just...having to convince myself he’s real. Does he exist? Is he here?

Is anything around me real?

I look around my classroom...it’s weird that there is such an environment like this. It’s weird that I’m here.
People moving around seems so out of place.
How everyone thinks... Just like I can.

Today. Feels weird.
The fact that there is a today. The fact that I’m here.
 Is this real?


I used the word “plagued” because... It’s such a terrible feeling.
Overthinking about this... It hinders me from feeling happy, being young, having fun, loving people around me, and just overall thinking.

 I’m not sure you understand how much it takes for me to force myself to ignore the weird feeling and just enjoy Wesley’s company--just be happy with who I am--just...be able to be
quiet...

 I constantly busy myself...I’m actually happy that I have homework!
 --That’s messed up!

The only way I can deal with it is by praying. Praying that I continue to love. Because it’s hard to just love when...everything isn’t real. And I pray that the feeling goes away.
It helps.

But, as soon as I think about it again, it comes back.
It’s really... bothersome.
Up and down, up and down. It’s like I’m feeling depressed without any rational reason why.

I have a great life.

I don’t understand myself. And, I struggle with feeling a certain way when I know it’s not true.

...Let’s have adventures. Let’s paint a picture. Let’s dance. Let’s talk about moving to a different country. Let’s be goofy. Let’s take pictures of clouds. Let’s drive someplace.

I want to feel alive.
I want to accomplish something.
I want to ignore this plague of thoughts.

Because. They’re useless and obstructive...

So, let's continue to smile and laugh together.

"Online" Art.

I enjoy having a tablet. It makes drawing on the computer so much easier since I'm "left-handed" in writing. (Technically, I'm mixed-handed. Which is so wonderful.) So, I found this online program which is really cool, like literally drawing with art supplies on the computer. Just been toying around with it.

Enjoy.






I've always liked drawing this Heart Vine spiralling around the column. I usually use brown paper and use ink and chalk.




I... guess, this is Wesley's eye. It just popped in my head when I was thinking of something to draw. :)

Wellll... it's late. So, I'll probably put more up here later. For now, this is it.

:]

Just Two Kingdom Workers Holding Hands.

I went to a baseball game today with my parents and their life group. And, I brought my boyfriend along-- ...
...
That... still sounds weird to me. Boyfriend. Hahaha... no offense... But, really. The titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" seem so... so... childish..? Haha, is that silly that I think that?
I mean... he's my best friend...
And it just feels so natural to be next to him. Like, we've always been..?
It's strange. Maybe I just don't like the titles.

Anyway-! Baseball game. Really fun. But... Expensive food. And I was soooo unusually piggy today! Even before the game.
Like, I scarfed down Chinese food before we went because I knew it was expensive. And, I don't know... I felt like I could've ate like 3 cheeseburgers if they weren't $7 a piece--and the fact that I wanted delicious funnel cake... And a drink... And a pretzel...

Wesley and I got the big "all-you-can-drink" cups that have free refills--$10!
...It was worth it, though... We just chugged and chugged! Gosh. I think we got around 6 refills. Hahaha!

And, we got some seats really close to the front and right where the protective net ends...... That made me kinda nervous.
Wesley scoffed at my worries: "It doesn't come over here. It goes over that way." He pointed farther down.
Game starts.
Not even 5ish batters later-! WHOOOOOOSH!! Over our heads.
Sure, Wesley, sure...

The small space of the seats and being surrounded by people on all sides made Wesley feel a little confined.
And, it just felt like we had to sit quietly because of being closed in. So, we walked around a bit and went farther out and higher up where everyone was much more spaced out.
And, we talked.
It was really nice. Just, about things that were bothering us and things that happened in the past. It's really nice how much we think alike. Almost in a scary way. Hahaha!
And, we got to watch the game easier, being able to see the field more.

There came a point where Wesley was talking about a career in ice skating, possibly. (Which would be so awesome. He's really talented!)
And, it got me thinking. What am I going to do?

Well, it should be more like, Why aren't I doing it?
Because. I already know what I want to do. What I've always felt lead to do.

Writing.

I don't need a college degree to do this. Gosh. I should be doing this right now when I'm so free! While I don't have to have a job to pay bills or buy food for myself!

And I've realized why all my works have eventually become "unfinishables." They had no purpose.
No "The moral of the story is..."
Nothing that... means anything.

And, I know that now. So I want to find the right thing to start.

And, in the car ride home, as Wesley slowly drifted to sleep...(hehehe!) I thought about maybe I should do children's books right now. I could illustrate, too! And, it has a lesson. Something subconsciously teaching children. Writing and drawing. What I love to do...

And, using the gifts God gave me...

For something that's actually going to make a difference in someone's life!

It's so amazing. So great.

You see... My zeal for wanting to make a difference hasn't faded from MOVE!

I'm reminded every week. Sitting next to Wesley, Sunday morning, listening to what God wants us to hear...
It's so very empowering.

It's so great that God sent me Wesley. And he wants to make a difference too.

I know... that... people worry about me and don't want me to "rely" on him too much... Because, you don't want me to get hurt. I love you. Thank you so much for your care.

But, this isn't a bad thing. Trust me.

It's just two Kingdom Workers holding hands.