"Hell" Week - The Curious Savage

I am exhausted.
This week is "hell" week, according to the theatre. I actually didn't  accept that definition, being optimistic like I am, and I decided that it was going to be a good week.
The play's opening night is Thursday and we have three more days of shows before its over--what could possibly go wrong? Am I right?
Ha.
Haha.
Funny isn't it? That I should get sick the week of? And I think I'm fine till the day before opening night, and suddenly, the last practice my voice almost completely leaves--oh, but it's enough there that I can squeak and have my voice crack in the middle of speaking. And, the director was already telling me I needed to speak louder...
So, current count at this point: headache, sore throat, having to perform and be crazy while being sick.
And, I don't mean to keep complaining, because this must be annoying but I need sleep and a new voice--anybody know where to get one of those--and some stinkin' time. That'd be nice.
Also, I hate being a girl.
All I'm going to say.

So, it'd be great to have a foot or back rub right about now, and if I could sleep and not have to go to class in the morning. That sounds great.

...

Of course this wouldn't actually post but go into drafts! Isn't that just dandy? Ha. Ha. Ha.
But, it's really ok. The Curious Savage is over. Hopefully everyone got to come see it! I think we did great. It was a lot of fun and I learned a lot. 
I learned how to be loud. Is that weird? I'm too quiet and this was good for me to be forced into being goofy and loud when I'm not comfortable. I shouldn't care but people think!
But, I'm glad that I'll actually have time to do my stinking homework, now. I will definitely feel like I have all the time in the world! 

And guess what cold/flu/whatever-you-were: I defeated you! HA. NyQuil and DayQuil and cough drops KILLED YOU! You have no power over me!

Beautiful Weather

If the stinking hot weather during the summer was the price forthis absolutely beautiful autumn air, then it was worth it. Literally, I have been sitting outside any chance I have. 

A few times, i have gone outside and sat under a giant tree behind the Justin Potter Residence Hall. It's late in the day, so it's a bit chilly, but if you're in the sun, it's perfect. You can enjoy the sunshine without getting too warm. I finish my homework, read, and practice my lines for the Curious Savage play. 

Today, I'm simply sitting at the beginning of the quad, on the benches underneath the flag pole. Again, the sun is matched perfectly with the cool breeze. There are tons of yellow butterflies flying from pink flower to white flower to red flower to orange flower, then across to another bed of flowers to start all over again. 

I tried to catch a picture of them all, but, no joke, as soon as I started taking pictures, they scattered. I could only get, at most, two in a photo together!

So, you'll just have to take my word for it. It was beautiful.  

I keep trying to go outside, lay a blanket down, have my sketchbook, my books, my script, and music, and just get a ton of stuff done, while soaking up the warmth of the sun. So far, it's rained, it's been "mowing day" and it's rained some more. Thus, this little dream has not come true yet.

 

And, goodness, I always forget that the due date for blog posts are on Friday. Of course, though, as soon as I finish this, I'll suddenly have lots of ideas to write about!

Figures.

"--literally, the feeling of happiness."

I absolutely love the moment of inspiration overload that makes the urge to do something, anything, impossible to resist.

My mind races.

The words are just dying to reach my fingertips and come into existence.

My heart is happy--literally, the feeling of happiness. It's a light feeling. Like my insides would float away if my skin weren't wrapped around it.

It's a feeling of wanting. Wanting to create. And bend. And brighten.  And make.
Make something great. Something to be proud of.
It's like my soul is smiling. It's what I'm here to do.

Rock and punk songs play in my ears. I'm invincible. I'm young. And I have all the energy in the world.

I can feel the potential. It could be a masterpiece, a new logo, or...a blog post, perhaps?

I've already drawn a box furiously, for my Drawing Class. I've brainstormed and drawn out a logo design for my first client. I'm thinking of going to run around.

But, for the moment, I'm here. Typing these thoughts and feelings to the best of my ability. 

It feels weird writing this blog post, though. Because, knowing that people I don't know are going to read it, changes my mindset.
"What if...?" gets in the way. 
Especially after Dr. Rex's continual saying that people judge you by your writing...

Slowly...the lightness of my heart drops to a pit in my stomach. 

No-! Come back... I have more work to do...

...

Blahblahblahblargblargblaaaah

Oh, what to write about? What has happened lately?
I guess nothing much.
I've felt kind of empty, I guess. Slowly slipping back into apathy like I used to be in.
I don't like it. Especially since now, I can't hide it. My emotional guards are down.
I could cry at any tiny thing happening, when I'm not really upset. And, it's embarrassing and I just feel like I hurt the people around me.
I feel trapped by normalacy. I want to be free. I want to start walking. I want to just go somewhere on a whim!
Everything seems to just takes so much plaaaannning. Preeeparing...!
I just want to do.
It's terrible to feel like you're meant for something great, but then you feel so terribly insignificant.
I mean, yes, I know I am quite significant to the people around me... That should be enough.... It should....

I guess my problem right now is that I feel like I'm losing myself.
I am so blessed. Why isn't that enough?
God, where are you?
Why have you been replaced by a knot in my stomach?


But, don't worry-! Since I'm writing this down now, I'm doing better. I'm stealing Wesley's idea that he does like Dumbledore does with his memories: takes them out of his mind and puts them away. I'm doing much better. :)

Wesley, thank you for everything you do. I know it's difficult, whenever I'm just in a down mood... I bring you down, too, don't I? I'm sorry. But, thank you for being there. I just need to know it's ok and that you'll love me no matter what. Play with my hair. Make me food. Hold my hand. Tell me to rest. Write me a letter.
Hahaha, maybe that will help when you don't know what to do. :)
It's hard, I know. And, you already help with a lot of other people.
It's amazing that you care so much to the point that it breaks your heart that I'm not doing well. Thank you. :) Truly.
You do help. Never think you don't.

Never Told Anyone Before.

I’ve been trying to formulate something to write about this past few weeks.
I guess I’ve just been struggling lately. Not too bad, really. Just randomly anxious.

But, I’ve been really happy. I like to keep myself busy; do my schoolwork, get out of the house, ride my bike to Kroger, go for walks, hang with friends, stay outside mostly... I guess I feel antsy when I’m doing nothing.
I guess I’ve just been needing to do something.
Keep myself busy.
Get myself out of my thoughts.
That’s what I need.

I need to just live.I’m so much more happy when I’m just being crazy and hyper and not thinking. My thinking rips apart my reality. And leaves me looking at the scraps and wondering what’s real...

I’ve been starting a story idea, getting some character sketches down, mapping out possible plots. I like the idea. I hope it actually goes somewhere. I think, right now, I need to figure out if I want it to be a children’s book or something more.
I’m leaning toward children’s book. That way I don’t have to do so much of a concrete timeline.
I guess I need to figure out how to introduce the entire concept. Well, that and figure out the kinks of the main characters.
Heh. This... makes me happy, strangely. :] It makes me smile.
I like this feeling of creating something. An entire “world”. Maybe that comes from my desire for reality. Why not create a reality?

This should be... What I’m supposed to do, right?
I guess I’m afraid to come out and say it.
I’ve always thought I’d be writing when I grew up. I always knew.
Though, it makes my stomach hurt--because of thinking--that I possibly might be wrong. Bah! Stop it, Whitney.

That doesn’t matter. God’ll steer me from there. At least I’m going. Somewhere.

“It’s hard to steer a parked car.”

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this--even those close to me... It’s kind of silly.

It was a promise I had with God when I was in middle school...
I was just starting to draw and I would get SO frustrated because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t! It’s like I could think I could do it but my eyes and hands weren’t trained enough to truly “see” the detail. I cried a lot and tore a lot of pages then, in the aloneness of my room.

I knew that I was supposed to write. And, I wrote short stories and stuff, 100X better at writing than drawing.
To be honest, I wanted something for people to see in me. I was a shadow and a shoe-looker at school.

“If only I could draw” was my driving force.
Unconsciously, of course. I didn’t really recognize that’s why I truly wanted to draw, until much later.
[I’ve come to see that a lot of the changes that have happened to me, was me actually changing myself to fit in. Hasn’t truly worked... Hahaha! But, I feel like that “goal” has brought many good changes.]
Anyway, that’s why I would be so frustrated, thus the paper ripping...etc...
I didn’t want to write, then. Well, more like I forgot about it.
And, one day, I was sitting at my desk looking at my horrid drawings and I thought about how I wasn’t writing anymore... And, I prayed, along the lines of, “If I keep writing, will you help me with drawing?”
And He said yes.
Is that too dorky? Hahaha! I mean, He’s kept His promise... :} And, whenever I’m in an artist’s block or whatever, it helps to write something.

I don’t know. I enjoy that. It makes me feel close to Him. It especially helped me through some tough times.

Where is the Greatness?

Do you sometimes feel like you were meant for something greater? Almost like in the TV shows--the comic books?

Always expecting something great to happen...

Some stranger to recognize the greatness that you yourself had not fully seen or understood.

You look down at your hands in front of you. The palms facing upward; the fingers slightly curling in. There is power in those hands.

Your hands.

They’re yours...

They’re real...

...You’re real.


Why does life seem so bland? Where is the greatness? You look around you. Realizing you’re looking at a computer screen. The keys on the keyboard sitting there. The people around you--upstairs or downstairs; across the street or walking past you--they go about their lives. Everyday. They carry on.

Do you ever find yourself wondering why things aren’t extraordinary? How did life--as in day-to-day living--become so much just about...getting by? Where is the greatness?

Where is the fulfillment of dreams? How many people are on this Earth? More than 6 billion? Almost 7? And how many people have walked on this planet before us?

Graves scatter our grounds. They fill our earth. Marked and
unmarked.

I find myself getting sad whenever I pass cemetaries. So many dreams. So many thoughts. So many...attempts to “live”.
So much potential, but so much failure...

I’m not saying that people don’t do great things. Everyone does. We all affect those around us and it makes a bigger impact then we realize. Always changing our peers and our family. Constantly coming into contact with people.

But.

Do you ever feel like you were meant for more?

Having some sort of extraordinary power?

Averageness and blandness have grayed our world.

Where are the colors?

Where is the greatness?

In me?

Is it in these open hands in front of me...?

Why am I still droning on day-to-day like life is supposed to be just this.

I have a greater purpose then video games; then this computer in front of me; then the art I can create; then the words I can compose...

I’m not entirely sure what that greater purpose is yet.
...I hope it’s great.

...because I feel like I have greatness in me. Sure, you may think I’m great. But, really? Greatness. It’s something grander then you think...

It’s exciting. It’s purpose. It’s life.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m saying.
It’s just how I’m feeling.

I’m happy; I’m content; I’m smiling; I may be deep in thought--in feeling--but I’m not depressed or feeling useless. I feel inspired.

I have the potential of greatness.

The kind of greatness that only dreams make real.

Can it be real?

Can the amazing images of the imagination come true? Can they be brought into the world?

　

...Greatness...

Hmm...

Gotta Keep Praying, Smiling, and Laughing.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write. Hahaha!
I've been quite happy. I enjoy laughing and smiling.
And learning, I do enjoy learning. My school day goes by fairly quickly.
Because, I start out with a fun class in the morning, Visual Communications (working with digital design, which involves Art, and photography). I like all those things but, unfortunately it's a lower classmen class and I don't really know anyone.

And then I have Study Hall. Just get stuff done.

Then, English. I always try to skip this class and go straight to Pre-Cal. Hahaha! It's werid.
And Pre-cal's kinda the class that's "Just gotta get done with that." But, then it happens earlier then I think and suddenly it's 5th period--which is AP Art!
Yay!

I do enjoy Art quite a bit. Except it's super cold in there. And... I sit alone.
I mean, I guess it's better that way. I have more room and I get more stuff done.

And, I didn't do it to myself this time. I was originally in just Art IV. AP Art and Art IV share the same period and class because they're both small. So, Art IV's supposed to sit on the right side and AP Art's supposed to sit on the left.
I know no one in Art IV and I don't think they like me...
But, their square table got filled up, anyway. No more room even if I decided to sit by them.
So, I went and sat at the equally large other square table and sat alone.

I know a few people in the AP Art class. And there're some people I'd like to be friends with...
And even if I decided to move over there... there's just this tiny bit of room left on the end of their cluster of tables. No where near the people I'd like to talk to.

So, I don't know.

I mean, I do get my work done and I can spread my work out...

Oh, and I guess it kind of hurt me, in the first week when the only spot I could sit was by myself and a friend of mine (who's in AP Art) asked, "Whitney, why're you sitting alone?" And then said something along the lines of me being a recluse or anti-social or something.
And, he had already walked away before I could answer... that I really didn't have a choice...
I wish someone had decided to move over by me.

Bah! It's whatever. I enjoy Art class. :]

Oh, yeah, then it's AP Psych, which I throughly enjoy. The class is interesting and the teacher is very engaging and funny.
And then, I have Government. I was not expecting this to be a fun class. But it has turned out to be a wonderful way to end the day! I have friends in this class. And the teacher is sooooo funny! Time flies by in that class.

And before I know it, school's over! :)

When my mother picks Wesley and I up, we usually go outside and sit on the benches because there's barely anyone over there. And the bench is actually more comfortable then the school chairs (my butt hates those!). And we just laugh and talk about the day, and Wesley usually takes out his guitar and fiddles with it. :)I wanted to say "...which is enjoyable." But... I think I've used that like... 5 or 6 times already in this blog post... hahaha!

I guess I enjoy life...and using the word enjoy! Hahaha!

On another note, lately, I have learned the power of prayer. Before, I struggled with the concept that me praying did anything at all. But, really... It does do alot.
Mr. Simmons had sent this to me:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. --James 5:16 NIV

I have become content. And I have been pulled out of depressive states. And, more importantly, I see the effect on the people around me.


Also, I never trully understood the idea of fasting and what that actually does. But, now, I realize that showing your dedication and what you're willing to give up for a while just to... almost show God your faith. Show him that you're serious. It makes praying so much more earnest.
And, fasting doesn't have to be food; I think nowadays, fasting with food isn't that effective because we can get food very quickly and easily, when back then, preparing food took up a lot of time. You can fast by giving up TV or video games for a while. Really anything that takes up your time.


I don't know, I find it wonderful and I have a more... purposeful outlook now when I pray. It's not just an empty thought. God listens. He loves me and has been here for me through everything. And he's been with everyone.
That's so amazing. :]


Alright. September has just started. Life is starting to pick up the pace. I'm going to be 18 in twenty days. I need to get a job. And I need to apply to colleges.
But the future is bright. :)

Just gotta keep praying, smiling, and laughing and I think life will keep being enjoyable. :]