Thoughts and Reflections : CIY MOVE.

Wow. I'm back!
I just got back from a youth conference called CIY MOVE that I went with my church's Sr. High.

It’s been... an amazing week.
At the beginning of the trip, I had said my reason for coming was that I wanted to get my brain thinking, I needed some deep thinking to get me rolling. I've been so "dull" lately and... I needed sharpening.

But, I think I got something better...

I didn't go into this week expecting to get "stronger" in my faith, because... I thought I was strong. God had just pulled me out of a storm and I was realizing all these things that He had done for me. I was so incredibly thankful for all for all He'd blessed me with and so happy that He had sent Wesley to me.
Anyway... so I was shocked when I sat in those sessions and I felt so... disconnected.
"What am I doing wrong? I have everything." But, I wasn't full if I couldn't feel God.

And, as the week went by and the growing desire to be passionate about Christ grew--I mean, really, I've felt what it is to be passionate in my faith and it's the most satisfying feeling. Where had it gone?--Anyway, as the desire to be passionate grew, I began just thinking, "Take it all away, Lord. I'd rather be in the storms then have everything and not be with you."
That sounds so...noble, I guess when you read it.

But, I was thinking about my family, how much I'd... miss them if they were suddenly... gone...
And, I feel kinda bad that I'd...let them go...willingly...for God...
Don't get me wrong, I... love my family... SO MUCH. And, I would be so... devastated if any of them got hurt or...anything bad happened to them...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that... it's...just such a strong need for God.

That's around the time I realized that some things that I've always thought, "Why shouldn't I actually do that?" might actually be God putting those things on my heart for a reason.
Well, one of those things I've always known is Writing. Since I was really little--around Kindergarten--I thought God wanted me to be an author.

But, something else I've only slightly thought about is...the option of moving to a different country. Hold on. Don't freak out. Hahaha!
I remember a while back... I think it was on Mother's Day... the family was at Tito's, a Mexican restaurant, and I suddenly mentioned that it was weird that I always felt like it wasn't an option to move to a different country, even though it really is...
Haha, of course, my mother wasn't too pleased with my...realization that it is a possible thing.

And, while I was thinking about this possibility again, and what God could use me for... I realized... something amazing.
And, the idea of it kind of shocked me. I even stopped singing. (my mind feels the most perceptive to what God has to say during singing)

What if... all my problems with being along is really a...gift?

I've mentioned it before in earlier posts that the motif of my life has been loneliness, and I guess that's really a harsh way of putting it. Could that push to always be alone really be a blessing?

I mean, I don't really need people's companies all that much. Again, that sounds bad... I really love friends and I do love hanging out with people.
But, if I connect the dots, I really could...move to a different country.
I'm not as "attached" to people as some are.
It's very...do-able...
This seems like something I would do after college and probably even after I'm married.
I'll pray on it, don't worry. Definitely. :)

But, it would be so nice to get away from all the distractions and laziness that comes with being in all this wealth... I mean, I know I'm very blessed. But, I can live on less..... less money, less technology, less living space, less entertainment, less sleeping time... etc...
I know I get distracted very easily.

And, on a side note, now that I'm home... everything seems so pointless. Facebook statuses that I see. It's almost a "disgust" feeling. Like... Why are we wasting our lives on these pointless squabbles and ramblings? I mean... all of us...work so hard every single day... just to make sure people like us!
It's weird.
It definitely makes me want to not only change my lifestyle but... to make change in others. We're all living so...emptily..? (is that a word? lol)

So, throughout that week, I was thinking about this and about wanting to feel God alot.
It wasn't a "doubting God exists" kinda thing, but more of a "why can't I feel him, personally, with me?"
I didn't keep my doubt to myself, though, like I usually did before. I told Wesley I was struggling with it. He was very supportive. Thank you. :)

And, something randomly that hit me this week, that... frankly I'm having trouble believing... I mean, I always have. And I've talked about this briefly before, I'm sure.
But, I... I've come to realize I'm a pretty vain person. I care way too much about how I look and how people see me.
And. I have real difficulty believing people when they tell me I'm beautiful.
It's... like a lie to me... Not to be mean or anything. It's just difficult to explain.
I mean, I know God doesn't make junk. I... just haven't had much proof through my years from people...
And, I was thinking about this during worship. (See? Vain.) And, I looked up at the ceiling and almost cried, thinking, "God. Do you think I'm beautiful?"
It was almost like I could feel an exasperated sigh from Heaven. Like a "Still don't get it?" kind of sigh.
And, then, I looked at Wesley and I don't know... It was like He said, "I sent you proof. Of course you're beautiful."
I know someone reading this thinks it's cheesy... but... meh to you!

And... I'm going to embarrass Wesley here for a second... because, this surprised me so much... and made me happy.
I think we were walking around and I don't remember what we were talking about but he randomly said, "Earlier... I think when you had gone into the bathroom," he laughed nervously here, "...I was looking around at all the other girls... And... I felt so incredibly lucky."
I just... what? Lucky? ...I was shocked... because... there are some really good-looking girls... I couldn't beleive that he actually said that... and meant it... Gosh... lol... .///.

Anyway. On a much, much more serious note... we (all of CIY) watched this movie called Love Costs Everything. It's about the persecuted church around the world. It was so...incredibly...sad...and terrifying. Throughout it I kept thinking,

"How can someone be so evil?"

...

...evil enough to literally BEAT people to death...

...

...evil enough to rape a wife repeatedly in front of her husband...

...

...evil enough to turn to a small child... whose parents were just murdered before him... and shoot him in the head...just to shut up his crying and screaming...

...

...Gosh. And, my words don't even come close to conveying... this... and... everything... Gosh...


It's so mind-blowing how incredibly evil people can be and how incredibly evil people ARE.
Right this minute.
Murdering whole families just because they won't renounce Christ.
Right this second.

It...breaks my heart...so completely...

But, there was such amazing hope in that movie as well.
Seeing the other side of the spectrum--the incredible love and the extreme passion for Christ that gives people the ability to continue following Jesus each day, despite the danger and the extreme mercy and forgiveness given to persecutors...
That.
...is so much more amazing... so much more shocking... in comparison to the evilness...

It's extraordinary...

It's... God.

Wow. God truly is amazing. He gives Christians strength and hope. And, He can soften the heart of anyone--even ones who are considered the most evil.

Also, during the movie I was thinking about God allowing all of this to take place because... He loves us so much...
He gave us free-will.
He wants everyone to go to Heaven.

It...must break his heart to see his children get tortured and murdered... But he allows it to happen so people don't have to go to Hell.
Isn't that amazing...?

I have a better understanding of how terrible Hell is because of this movie...
It's so absolutely horrifyingly terrible... that God would rather have us go through getting beaten and watching loved ones get beaten to death then for any of us to go to Hell.

Wow...
Do you...understand what I'm saying?

Sooo, anyway, I cried. And cried. And cried.
I did really well, actually; I got through around 3/4ths of the movie without breaking down.
But, there was this story of a man who had such passion for Christ and his wife, the love of his life. While they were riding, motorcycles with extremist Hindus surrounded them. They beat them... he went unconscious and when he awoke in the hospital... He was almost dead... and his wife had been beaten to death while he was unconscious.
He was in such critical condition that...he couldn't even attend her funeral.
And, I just broke down and sobbed.
I was shaking and I could feel Wesley crying beside me.
Then, the man was sobbing on camera, saying, "...the love of my life..."
But, he still prasied God...and continues the ministry of spreading the good news that he and his wife had done that had lead to her death.
It's amazing...

I'm so thankful that Wesley was here and... that he cried with me. Even after the film ended my eyes were puffy and I kept thinking of them and how I wanted to spread the Word so passionately like them. I want what they have... I want to do something.

But, afterward, it was frustrating to watch everyone around us...happy and laughing. I know it could be there way of dealing with it... But... It felt almost insulting...
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I did.
I was angry... And, I was upset that I was angry.

But, it was a relief that Wesley felt the same. I wasn't alone in feeling so crushed after watching all that.
I couldn't say anything when our Youth Group met and talked. I was so close to just sobbing again and I feared that if I spoke, I would end up not being able to speak through the tears...

Afterward, Wesley and I prayed, then walked up the hills...crying. And, then at the top of the hill we talked to Cheri. And I just sobbed again. Tears were still streaming down Wesley's face.
Cheri was very supportive and said some... very wonderful things. Thank you. :)

It was insane... But, it was good to cry. It was relieving that Wesley cried with me... Thank you.

*cough* Anyway-! It was just a great week. Realizing that...my religion should really be my lifestyle. I think--especially in American culture--we forget that being a Christian is more than just going to Church. I mean. We ARE the Church. "Christian" means following Christ!
I enjoy the name Kingdom Worker. It makes me feel like I've left all the labels and judgements that people put on the word "Christian" because of people who aren't being Christ-like...which is really sad...

And, at the end of MOVE, during the last session, I knew they were going to ask for the three different groups to stand up. The "New Christians", the "Rededicated", and the "Deciding to be Kingdom Workers" groups.
And, I knew I felt called to truly be a Kingdom Worker and put my whole life to use for Christ... But. I didn't want to stand up. I didn't want people to see me stand up and think that I'm just trying to be all "high-and-mighty" and better then everyone else. Gosh. I'm always scared about that.
I hate the spotlight. Haha, I don't like people looking at me...
And as the two groups ahead of me were called and I saw people from our group stand and be prayed for. I... felt like I needed the countability of standing up and showing everyone that... my life was for Christ. I wanted it to be.
I want to make a difference.
I want to set the church on fire.
I want to live for Christ everyday.
So, the guy called for the people who decided to be Kingdom Workers and use their entire lives to stand...
I hesitated for a second. I let go of Wesley's hand. And I stood slowly. And tried not to look around. I didn't want to see their faces. Even if they were smiling. I didn't want to accidently find resentment. I guess that's a silly fear and something I shouldn't worry about.
I mean, I know that I'm being genuine. And, more importantly, God knows.
I must say... it surprised me. Standing there alone.
I was fully expecting Wesley to stand up with me.
He had been so impacted that entire week and I could see the change and the passion that he felt. When he sang, with tears sometimes and with a wide smile stretched across his face as he sang, "Scream it to the mountains-! Go tell it to the masses-! That, he is... God." I could tell that he wanted to be a Kingdom Worker. He wants to make a difference just like me.
But, he hadn't stood up yet. I was frozen up there, staring straight ahead. Feeling uplifted with God's presence and His sense of purpose.
And finally. Wesley stood up. I took his hand happily, tears coming to my eyes.
And, everyone placed their hands on us and were prayed for. It was wonderful.
Later, Wesley told me that he didn't stand up right away because of the same reasons I had had. He didn't want everyone to think, "Oh, he's just standing up because that's his girlfriend." And, finally. He heard God basically say, "Why aren't you up there with her?" And he stood.

... I didn't want MOVE to end. I didn't really want to go home. (haha, sorry...) It's like I wanted to skip this almost "trivialness" and skip straight to making a difference.
I know now that I can definitely make a difference here, in the lives of the people around me. I still get a little frustrated by the meaninglessness of everyday life... And, I'm already adjusting back to my old schedule.
And... I don't like that.
I'm not going to lose this passion for Christ!
It's different now.
I can do this.

Something major I've always knooown that I've needed to do is jump into God's Word more. Jeez, I am terrible about that.
I want to be engaged like some are.
So, I think I'm going to... paint the Bible. Like, read and analyze parts and make a masterpiece out of what it means to me and what I think about.
I'm making Wesley help me.
I want him to be my countability partner and I want to discuss things with him because he can be pretty smart when he wants to be. ;D hahaha.

Life is good. God is good.

I feel like there's so much more I could write about... But, I've pretty much covered all the important stuff.

Thanks, everybody, for a great week. And thank you, reader, for reading this entire thing! (unless you just skimmed through and that makes you a JERK. Hahaha, just kidding!)

God orignially created us in his image...
And now, He's remaking us in Christ's image...

"Therefore, go and make disciples..."

-Matthew 28:19a