Oh, what to write about? What has happened lately?
I guess nothing much.
I've felt kind of empty, I guess. Slowly slipping back into apathy like I used to be in.
I don't like it. Especially since now, I can't hide it. My emotional guards are down.
I could cry at any tiny thing happening, when I'm not really upset. And, it's embarrassing and I just feel like I hurt the people around me.
I feel trapped by normalacy. I want to be free. I want to start walking. I want to just go somewhere on a whim!
Everything seems to just takes so much plaaaannning. Preeeparing...!
I just want to do.
It's terrible to feel like you're meant for something great, but then you feel so terribly insignificant.
I mean, yes, I know I am quite significant to the people around me... That should be enough.... It should....
I guess my problem right now is that I feel like I'm losing myself.
I am so blessed. Why isn't that enough?
God, where are you?
Why have you been replaced by a knot in my stomach?
But, don't worry-! Since I'm writing this down now, I'm doing better. I'm stealing Wesley's idea that he does like Dumbledore does with his memories: takes them out of his mind and puts them away. I'm doing much better. :)
Wesley, thank you for everything you do. I know it's difficult, whenever I'm just in a down mood... I bring you down, too, don't I? I'm sorry. But, thank you for being there. I just need to know it's ok and that you'll love me no matter what. Play with my hair. Make me food. Hold my hand. Tell me to rest. Write me a letter.
Hahaha, maybe that will help when you don't know what to do. :)
It's hard, I know. And, you already help with a lot of other people.
It's amazing that you care so much to the point that it breaks your heart that I'm not doing well. Thank you. :) Truly.
You do help. Never think you don't.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Never Told Anyone Before.
I’ve been trying to formulate something to write about this past few weeks.
I guess I’ve just been struggling lately. Not too bad, really. Just randomly anxious.
But, I’ve been really happy. I like to keep myself busy; do my schoolwork, get out of the house, ride my bike to Kroger, go for walks, hang with friends, stay outside mostly... I guess I feel antsy when I’m doing nothing.
I guess I’ve just been needing to do something.
Keep myself busy.
Get myself out of my thoughts.
That’s what I need.
I need to just live.I’m so much more happy when I’m just being crazy and hyper and not thinking. My thinking rips apart my reality. And leaves me looking at the scraps and wondering what’s real...
I’ve been starting a story idea, getting some character sketches down, mapping out possible plots. I like the idea. I hope it actually goes somewhere. I think, right now, I need to figure out if I want it to be a children’s book or something more.
I’m leaning toward children’s book. That way I don’t have to do so much of a concrete timeline.
I guess I need to figure out how to introduce the entire concept. Well, that and figure out the kinks of the main characters.
Heh. This... makes me happy, strangely. :] It makes me smile.
I like this feeling of creating something. An entire “world”. Maybe that comes from my desire for reality. Why not create a reality?
This should be... What I’m supposed to do, right?
I guess I’m afraid to come out and say it.
I’ve always thought I’d be writing when I grew up. I always knew.
Though, it makes my stomach hurt--because of thinking--that I possibly might be wrong. Bah! Stop it, Whitney.
That doesn’t matter. God’ll steer me from there. At least I’m going. Somewhere.
“It’s hard to steer a parked car.”
You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this--even those close to me... It’s kind of silly.
It was a promise I had with God when I was in middle school...
I was just starting to draw and I would get SO frustrated because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t! It’s like I could think I could do it but my eyes and hands weren’t trained enough to truly “see” the detail. I cried a lot and tore a lot of pages then, in the aloneness of my room.
I knew that I was supposed to write. And, I wrote short stories and stuff, 100X better at writing than drawing.
To be honest, I wanted something for people to see in me. I was a shadow and a shoe-looker at school.
“If only I could draw” was my driving force.
Unconsciously, of course. I didn’t really recognize that’s why I truly wanted to draw, until much later.
[I’ve come to see that a lot of the changes that have happened to me, was me actually changing myself to fit in. Hasn’t truly worked... Hahaha! But, I feel like that “goal” has brought many good changes.]
Anyway, that’s why I would be so frustrated, thus the paper ripping...etc...
I didn’t want to write, then. Well, more like I forgot about it.
And, one day, I was sitting at my desk looking at my horrid drawings and I thought about how I wasn’t writing anymore... And, I prayed, along the lines of, “If I keep writing, will you help me with drawing?”
And He said yes.
Is that too dorky? Hahaha! I mean, He’s kept His promise... :} And, whenever I’m in an artist’s block or whatever, it helps to write something.
I don’t know. I enjoy that. It makes me feel close to Him. It especially helped me through some tough times.
I guess I’ve just been struggling lately. Not too bad, really. Just randomly anxious.
But, I’ve been really happy. I like to keep myself busy; do my schoolwork, get out of the house, ride my bike to Kroger, go for walks, hang with friends, stay outside mostly... I guess I feel antsy when I’m doing nothing.
I guess I’ve just been needing to do something.
Keep myself busy.
Get myself out of my thoughts.
That’s what I need.
I need to just live.I’m so much more happy when I’m just being crazy and hyper and not thinking. My thinking rips apart my reality. And leaves me looking at the scraps and wondering what’s real...
I’ve been starting a story idea, getting some character sketches down, mapping out possible plots. I like the idea. I hope it actually goes somewhere. I think, right now, I need to figure out if I want it to be a children’s book or something more.
I’m leaning toward children’s book. That way I don’t have to do so much of a concrete timeline.
I guess I need to figure out how to introduce the entire concept. Well, that and figure out the kinks of the main characters.
Heh. This... makes me happy, strangely. :] It makes me smile.
I like this feeling of creating something. An entire “world”. Maybe that comes from my desire for reality. Why not create a reality?
This should be... What I’m supposed to do, right?
I guess I’m afraid to come out and say it.
I’ve always thought I’d be writing when I grew up. I always knew.
Though, it makes my stomach hurt--because of thinking--that I possibly might be wrong. Bah! Stop it, Whitney.
That doesn’t matter. God’ll steer me from there. At least I’m going. Somewhere.
“It’s hard to steer a parked car.”
You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this--even those close to me... It’s kind of silly.
It was a promise I had with God when I was in middle school...
I was just starting to draw and I would get SO frustrated because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t! It’s like I could think I could do it but my eyes and hands weren’t trained enough to truly “see” the detail. I cried a lot and tore a lot of pages then, in the aloneness of my room.
I knew that I was supposed to write. And, I wrote short stories and stuff, 100X better at writing than drawing.
To be honest, I wanted something for people to see in me. I was a shadow and a shoe-looker at school.
“If only I could draw” was my driving force.
Unconsciously, of course. I didn’t really recognize that’s why I truly wanted to draw, until much later.
[I’ve come to see that a lot of the changes that have happened to me, was me actually changing myself to fit in. Hasn’t truly worked... Hahaha! But, I feel like that “goal” has brought many good changes.]
Anyway, that’s why I would be so frustrated, thus the paper ripping...etc...
I didn’t want to write, then. Well, more like I forgot about it.
And, one day, I was sitting at my desk looking at my horrid drawings and I thought about how I wasn’t writing anymore... And, I prayed, along the lines of, “If I keep writing, will you help me with drawing?”
And He said yes.
Is that too dorky? Hahaha! I mean, He’s kept His promise... :} And, whenever I’m in an artist’s block or whatever, it helps to write something.
I don’t know. I enjoy that. It makes me feel close to Him. It especially helped me through some tough times.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Where is the Greatness?
Do you sometimes feel like you were meant for something greater? Almost like in the TV shows--the comic books?
Always expecting something great to happen...
Some stranger to recognize the greatness that you yourself had not fully seen or understood.
You look down at your hands in front of you. The palms facing upward; the fingers slightly curling in. There is power in those hands.
Your hands.
They’re yours...
They’re real...
...You’re real.
Why does life seem so bland? Where is the greatness? You look around you. Realizing you’re looking at a computer screen. The keys on the keyboard sitting there. The people around you--upstairs or downstairs; across the street or walking past you--they go about their lives. Everyday. They carry on.
Do you ever find yourself wondering why things aren’t extraordinary? How did life--as in day-to-day living--become so much just about...getting by? Where is the greatness?
Where is the fulfillment of dreams? How many people are on this Earth? More than 6 billion? Almost 7? And how many people have walked on this planet before us?
Graves scatter our grounds. They fill our earth. Marked and
unmarked.
I find myself getting sad whenever I pass cemetaries. So many dreams. So many thoughts. So many...attempts to “live”.
So much potential, but so much failure...
I’m not saying that people don’t do great things. Everyone does. We all affect those around us and it makes a bigger impact then we realize. Always changing our peers and our family. Constantly coming into contact with people.
But.
Do you ever feel like you were meant for more?
Having some sort of extraordinary power?
Averageness and blandness have grayed our world.
Where are the colors?
Where is the greatness?
In me?
Is it in these open hands in front of me...?
Why am I still droning on day-to-day like life is supposed to be just this.
I have a greater purpose then video games; then this computer in front of me; then the art I can create; then the words I can compose...
I’m not entirely sure what that greater purpose is yet.
...I hope it’s great.
...because I feel like I have greatness in me. Sure, you may think I’m great. But, really? Greatness. It’s something grander then you think...
It’s exciting. It’s purpose. It’s life.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m saying.
It’s just how I’m feeling.
I’m happy; I’m content; I’m smiling; I may be deep in thought--in feeling--but I’m not depressed or feeling useless. I feel inspired.
I have the potential of greatness.
The kind of greatness that only dreams make real.
Can it be real?
Can the amazing images of the imagination come true? Can they be brought into the world?
Hmm...
Always expecting something great to happen...
Some stranger to recognize the greatness that you yourself had not fully seen or understood.
You look down at your hands in front of you. The palms facing upward; the fingers slightly curling in. There is power in those hands.
Your hands.
They’re yours...
They’re real...
...You’re real.
Why does life seem so bland? Where is the greatness? You look around you. Realizing you’re looking at a computer screen. The keys on the keyboard sitting there. The people around you--upstairs or downstairs; across the street or walking past you--they go about their lives. Everyday. They carry on.
Do you ever find yourself wondering why things aren’t extraordinary? How did life--as in day-to-day living--become so much just about...getting by? Where is the greatness?
Where is the fulfillment of dreams? How many people are on this Earth? More than 6 billion? Almost 7? And how many people have walked on this planet before us?
Graves scatter our grounds. They fill our earth. Marked and
unmarked.
I find myself getting sad whenever I pass cemetaries. So many dreams. So many thoughts. So many...attempts to “live”.
So much potential, but so much failure...
I’m not saying that people don’t do great things. Everyone does. We all affect those around us and it makes a bigger impact then we realize. Always changing our peers and our family. Constantly coming into contact with people.
But.
Do you ever feel like you were meant for more?
Having some sort of extraordinary power?
Averageness and blandness have grayed our world.
Where are the colors?
Where is the greatness?
In me?
Is it in these open hands in front of me...?
Why am I still droning on day-to-day like life is supposed to be just this.
I have a greater purpose then video games; then this computer in front of me; then the art I can create; then the words I can compose...
I’m not entirely sure what that greater purpose is yet.
...I hope it’s great.
...because I feel like I have greatness in me. Sure, you may think I’m great. But, really? Greatness. It’s something grander then you think...
It’s exciting. It’s purpose. It’s life.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m saying.
It’s just how I’m feeling.
I’m happy; I’m content; I’m smiling; I may be deep in thought--in feeling--but I’m not depressed or feeling useless. I feel inspired.
I have the potential of greatness.
The kind of greatness that only dreams make real.
Can it be real?
Can the amazing images of the imagination come true? Can they be brought into the world?
...Greatness...
Hmm...
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Gotta Keep Praying, Smiling, and Laughing.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write. Hahaha!
I've been quite happy. I enjoy laughing and smiling.
And learning, I do enjoy learning. My school day goes by fairly quickly.
Because, I start out with a fun class in the morning, Visual Communications (working with digital design, which involves Art, and photography). I like all those things but, unfortunately it's a lower classmen class and I don't really know anyone.
And then I have Study Hall. Just get stuff done.
Then, English. I always try to skip this class and go straight to Pre-Cal. Hahaha! It's werid.
And Pre-cal's kinda the class that's "Just gotta get done with that." But, then it happens earlier then I think and suddenly it's 5th period--which is AP Art!
Yay!
I do enjoy Art quite a bit. Except it's super cold in there. And... I sit alone.
I mean, I guess it's better that way. I have more room and I get more stuff done.
And, I didn't do it to myself this time. I was originally in just Art IV. AP Art and Art IV share the same period and class because they're both small. So, Art IV's supposed to sit on the right side and AP Art's supposed to sit on the left.
I know no one in Art IV and I don't think they like me...
But, their square table got filled up, anyway. No more room even if I decided to sit by them.
So, I went and sat at the equally large other square table and sat alone.
I know a few people in the AP Art class. And there're some people I'd like to be friends with...
And even if I decided to move over there... there's just this tiny bit of room left on the end of their cluster of tables. No where near the people I'd like to talk to.
So, I don't know.
I mean, I do get my work done and I can spread my work out...
Oh, and I guess it kind of hurt me, in the first week when the only spot I could sit was by myself and a friend of mine (who's in AP Art) asked, "Whitney, why're you sitting alone?" And then said something along the lines of me being a recluse or anti-social or something.
And, he had already walked away before I could answer... that I really didn't have a choice...
I wish someone had decided to move over by me.
Bah! It's whatever. I enjoy Art class. :]
Oh, yeah, then it's AP Psych, which I throughly enjoy. The class is interesting and the teacher is very engaging and funny.
And then, I have Government. I was not expecting this to be a fun class. But it has turned out to be a wonderful way to end the day! I have friends in this class. And the teacher is sooooo funny! Time flies by in that class.
And before I know it, school's over! :)
When my mother picks Wesley and I up, we usually go outside and sit on the benches because there's barely anyone over there. And the bench is actually more comfortable then the school chairs (my butt hates those!). And we just laugh and talk about the day, and Wesley usually takes out his guitar and fiddles with it. :)I wanted to say "...which is enjoyable." But... I think I've used that like... 5 or 6 times already in this blog post... hahaha!
I guess I enjoy life...and using the word enjoy! Hahaha!
On another note, lately, I have learned the power of prayer. Before, I struggled with the concept that me praying did anything at all. But, really... It does do alot.
Mr. Simmons had sent this to me:
Also, I never trully understood the idea of fasting and what that actually does. But, now, I realize that showing your dedication and what you're willing to give up for a while just to... almost show God your faith. Show him that you're serious. It makes praying so much more earnest.
And, fasting doesn't have to be food; I think nowadays, fasting with food isn't that effective because we can get food very quickly and easily, when back then, preparing food took up a lot of time. You can fast by giving up TV or video games for a while. Really anything that takes up your time.
I don't know, I find it wonderful and I have a more... purposeful outlook now when I pray. It's not just an empty thought. God listens. He loves me and has been here for me through everything. And he's been with everyone.
That's so amazing. :]
Alright. September has just started. Life is starting to pick up the pace. I'm going to be 18 in twenty days. I need to get a job. And I need to apply to colleges.
But the future is bright. :)
Just gotta keep praying, smiling, and laughing and I think life will keep being enjoyable. :]
I've been quite happy. I enjoy laughing and smiling.
And learning, I do enjoy learning. My school day goes by fairly quickly.
Because, I start out with a fun class in the morning, Visual Communications (working with digital design, which involves Art, and photography). I like all those things but, unfortunately it's a lower classmen class and I don't really know anyone.
And then I have Study Hall. Just get stuff done.
Then, English. I always try to skip this class and go straight to Pre-Cal. Hahaha! It's werid.
And Pre-cal's kinda the class that's "Just gotta get done with that." But, then it happens earlier then I think and suddenly it's 5th period--which is AP Art!
Yay!
I do enjoy Art quite a bit. Except it's super cold in there. And... I sit alone.
I mean, I guess it's better that way. I have more room and I get more stuff done.
And, I didn't do it to myself this time. I was originally in just Art IV. AP Art and Art IV share the same period and class because they're both small. So, Art IV's supposed to sit on the right side and AP Art's supposed to sit on the left.
I know no one in Art IV and I don't think they like me...
But, their square table got filled up, anyway. No more room even if I decided to sit by them.
So, I went and sat at the equally large other square table and sat alone.
I know a few people in the AP Art class. And there're some people I'd like to be friends with...
And even if I decided to move over there... there's just this tiny bit of room left on the end of their cluster of tables. No where near the people I'd like to talk to.
So, I don't know.
I mean, I do get my work done and I can spread my work out...
Oh, and I guess it kind of hurt me, in the first week when the only spot I could sit was by myself and a friend of mine (who's in AP Art) asked, "Whitney, why're you sitting alone?" And then said something along the lines of me being a recluse or anti-social or something.
And, he had already walked away before I could answer... that I really didn't have a choice...
I wish someone had decided to move over by me.
Bah! It's whatever. I enjoy Art class. :]
Oh, yeah, then it's AP Psych, which I throughly enjoy. The class is interesting and the teacher is very engaging and funny.
And then, I have Government. I was not expecting this to be a fun class. But it has turned out to be a wonderful way to end the day! I have friends in this class. And the teacher is sooooo funny! Time flies by in that class.
And before I know it, school's over! :)
When my mother picks Wesley and I up, we usually go outside and sit on the benches because there's barely anyone over there. And the bench is actually more comfortable then the school chairs (my butt hates those!). And we just laugh and talk about the day, and Wesley usually takes out his guitar and fiddles with it. :)I wanted to say "...which is enjoyable." But... I think I've used that like... 5 or 6 times already in this blog post... hahaha!
I guess I enjoy life...and using the word enjoy! Hahaha!
On another note, lately, I have learned the power of prayer. Before, I struggled with the concept that me praying did anything at all. But, really... It does do alot.
Mr. Simmons had sent this to me:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. --James 5:16 NIVI have become content. And I have been pulled out of depressive states. And, more importantly, I see the effect on the people around me.
Also, I never trully understood the idea of fasting and what that actually does. But, now, I realize that showing your dedication and what you're willing to give up for a while just to... almost show God your faith. Show him that you're serious. It makes praying so much more earnest.
And, fasting doesn't have to be food; I think nowadays, fasting with food isn't that effective because we can get food very quickly and easily, when back then, preparing food took up a lot of time. You can fast by giving up TV or video games for a while. Really anything that takes up your time.
I don't know, I find it wonderful and I have a more... purposeful outlook now when I pray. It's not just an empty thought. God listens. He loves me and has been here for me through everything. And he's been with everyone.
That's so amazing. :]
Alright. September has just started. Life is starting to pick up the pace. I'm going to be 18 in twenty days. I need to get a job. And I need to apply to colleges.
But the future is bright. :)
Just gotta keep praying, smiling, and laughing and I think life will keep being enjoyable. :]
Friday, August 19, 2011
Is Anything Real?
Lately, I have been plagued by the feeling of disbelief that things exist--that they’re real.
I used to just have this feeling rarely when I would look in the mirror and realize how strange it is that I exist. Thoughts would stream through my mind: how in the world do people recognize me?--what do I look like to others?--am I really here?
It’s like I would realize that I’m not just observing the world.
...I’m not the narrator.
But, now... It happens all the time, not just about myself, either.
I remember I went shopping with my mother during the summer and... I looked at her face. And it felt like I had never really looked at her face before. And, it felt strange that I was with her. That she was real.
An incredible sadness overcame me.
I realized I knew nothing--compared to how much she knew--about her. I’ll never...she her childhood. I’ll never truly know who
she is.
Is she real?
Also, lately, with Wesley... I often find myself staring at him and just...having to convince myself he’s real. Does he exist? Is he here?
Is anything around me real?
I look around my classroom...it’s weird that there is such an environment like this. It’s weird that I’m here.
People moving around seems so out of place.
How everyone thinks... Just like I can.
Today. Feels weird.
The fact that there is a today. The fact that I’m here.
Is this real?
I used the word “plagued” because... It’s such a terrible feeling.
Overthinking about this... It hinders me from feeling happy, being young, having fun, loving people around me, and just overall thinking.
I’m not sure you understand how much it takes for me to force myself to ignore the weird feeling and just enjoy Wesley’s company--just be happy with who I am--just...be able to be
quiet...
I constantly busy myself...I’m actually happy that I have homework!
--That’s messed up!
The only way I can deal with it is by praying. Praying that I continue to love. Because it’s hard to just love when...everything isn’t real. And I pray that the feeling goes away.
It helps.
But, as soon as I think about it again, it comes back.
It’s really... bothersome.
Up and down, up and down. It’s like I’m feeling depressed without any rational reason why.
I have a great life.
I don’t understand myself. And, I struggle with feeling a certain way when I know it’s not true.
...Let’s have adventures. Let’s paint a picture. Let’s dance. Let’s talk about moving to a different country. Let’s be goofy. Let’s take pictures of clouds. Let’s drive someplace.
I want to feel alive.
I want to accomplish something.
I want to ignore this plague of thoughts.
Because. They’re useless and obstructive...
So, let's continue to smile and laugh together.
I used to just have this feeling rarely when I would look in the mirror and realize how strange it is that I exist. Thoughts would stream through my mind: how in the world do people recognize me?--what do I look like to others?--am I really here?
It’s like I would realize that I’m not just observing the world.
...I’m not the narrator.
But, now... It happens all the time, not just about myself, either.
I remember I went shopping with my mother during the summer and... I looked at her face. And it felt like I had never really looked at her face before. And, it felt strange that I was with her. That she was real.
An incredible sadness overcame me.
I realized I knew nothing--compared to how much she knew--about her. I’ll never...she her childhood. I’ll never truly know who
she is.
Is she real?
Also, lately, with Wesley... I often find myself staring at him and just...having to convince myself he’s real. Does he exist? Is he here?
Is anything around me real?
I look around my classroom...it’s weird that there is such an environment like this. It’s weird that I’m here.
People moving around seems so out of place.
How everyone thinks... Just like I can.
Today. Feels weird.
The fact that there is a today. The fact that I’m here.
Is this real?
I used the word “plagued” because... It’s such a terrible feeling.
Overthinking about this... It hinders me from feeling happy, being young, having fun, loving people around me, and just overall thinking.
I’m not sure you understand how much it takes for me to force myself to ignore the weird feeling and just enjoy Wesley’s company--just be happy with who I am--just...be able to be
quiet...
I constantly busy myself...I’m actually happy that I have homework!
--That’s messed up!
The only way I can deal with it is by praying. Praying that I continue to love. Because it’s hard to just love when...everything isn’t real. And I pray that the feeling goes away.
It helps.
But, as soon as I think about it again, it comes back.
It’s really... bothersome.
Up and down, up and down. It’s like I’m feeling depressed without any rational reason why.
I have a great life.
I don’t understand myself. And, I struggle with feeling a certain way when I know it’s not true.
...Let’s have adventures. Let’s paint a picture. Let’s dance. Let’s talk about moving to a different country. Let’s be goofy. Let’s take pictures of clouds. Let’s drive someplace.
I want to feel alive.
I want to accomplish something.
I want to ignore this plague of thoughts.
Because. They’re useless and obstructive...
So, let's continue to smile and laugh together.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
"Online" Art.
I enjoy having a tablet. It makes drawing on the computer so much easier since I'm "left-handed" in writing. (Technically, I'm mixed-handed. Which is so wonderful.) So, I found this online program which is really cool, like literally drawing with art supplies on the computer. Just been toying around with it.
Enjoy.
I've always liked drawing this Heart Vine spiralling around the column. I usually use brown paper and use ink and chalk.
I... guess, this is Wesley's eye. It just popped in my head when I was thinking of something to draw. :)
Wellll... it's late. So, I'll probably put more up here later. For now, this is it.
:]
Enjoy.
I've always liked drawing this Heart Vine spiralling around the column. I usually use brown paper and use ink and chalk.
I... guess, this is Wesley's eye. It just popped in my head when I was thinking of something to draw. :)
Wellll... it's late. So, I'll probably put more up here later. For now, this is it.
:]
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Just Two Kingdom Workers Holding Hands.
I went to a baseball game today with my parents and their life group. And, I brought my boyfriend along-- ...
...
That... still sounds weird to me. Boyfriend. Hahaha... no offense... But, really. The titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" seem so... so... childish..? Haha, is that silly that I think that?
I mean... he's my best friend...
And it just feels so natural to be next to him. Like, we've always been..?
It's strange. Maybe I just don't like the titles.
Anyway-! Baseball game. Really fun. But... Expensive food. And I was soooo unusually piggy today! Even before the game.
Like, I scarfed down Chinese food before we went because I knew it was expensive. And, I don't know... I felt like I could've ate like 3 cheeseburgers if they weren't $7 a piece--and the fact that I wanted delicious funnel cake... And a drink... And a pretzel...
Wesley and I got the big "all-you-can-drink" cups that have free refills--$10!
...It was worth it, though... We just chugged and chugged! Gosh. I think we got around 6 refills. Hahaha!
And, we got some seats really close to the front and right where the protective net ends...... That made me kinda nervous.
Wesley scoffed at my worries: "It doesn't come over here. It goes over that way." He pointed farther down.
Game starts.
Not even 5ish batters later-! WHOOOOOOSH!! Over our heads.
Sure, Wesley, sure...
The small space of the seats and being surrounded by people on all sides made Wesley feel a little confined.
And, it just felt like we had to sit quietly because of being closed in. So, we walked around a bit and went farther out and higher up where everyone was much more spaced out.
And, we talked.
It was really nice. Just, about things that were bothering us and things that happened in the past. It's really nice how much we think alike. Almost in a scary way. Hahaha!
And, we got to watch the game easier, being able to see the field more.
There came a point where Wesley was talking about a career in ice skating, possibly. (Which would be so awesome. He's really talented!)
And, it got me thinking. What am I going to do?
Well, it should be more like, Why aren't I doing it?
Because. I already know what I want to do. What I've always felt lead to do.
Writing.
I don't need a college degree to do this. Gosh. I should be doing this right now when I'm so free! While I don't have to have a job to pay bills or buy food for myself!
And I've realized why all my works have eventually become "unfinishables." They had no purpose.
No "The moral of the story is..."
Nothing that... means anything.
And, I know that now. So I want to find the right thing to start.
And, in the car ride home, as Wesley slowly drifted to sleep...(hehehe!) I thought about maybe I should do children's books right now. I could illustrate, too! And, it has a lesson. Something subconsciously teaching children. Writing and drawing. What I love to do...
I'm reminded every week. Sitting next to Wesley, Sunday morning, listening to what God wants us to hear...
It's so very empowering.
It's so great that God sent me Wesley. And he wants to make a difference too.
I know... that... people worry about me and don't want me to "rely" on him too much... Because, you don't want me to get hurt. I love you. Thank you so much for your care.
But, this isn't a bad thing. Trust me.
It's just two Kingdom Workers holding hands.
...
That... still sounds weird to me. Boyfriend. Hahaha... no offense... But, really. The titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" seem so... so... childish..? Haha, is that silly that I think that?
I mean... he's my best friend...
And it just feels so natural to be next to him. Like, we've always been..?
It's strange. Maybe I just don't like the titles.
Anyway-! Baseball game. Really fun. But... Expensive food. And I was soooo unusually piggy today! Even before the game.
Like, I scarfed down Chinese food before we went because I knew it was expensive. And, I don't know... I felt like I could've ate like 3 cheeseburgers if they weren't $7 a piece--and the fact that I wanted delicious funnel cake... And a drink... And a pretzel...
Wesley and I got the big "all-you-can-drink" cups that have free refills--$10!
...It was worth it, though... We just chugged and chugged! Gosh. I think we got around 6 refills. Hahaha!
And, we got some seats really close to the front and right where the protective net ends...... That made me kinda nervous.
Wesley scoffed at my worries: "It doesn't come over here. It goes over that way." He pointed farther down.
Game starts.
Not even 5ish batters later-! WHOOOOOOSH!! Over our heads.
Sure, Wesley, sure...
The small space of the seats and being surrounded by people on all sides made Wesley feel a little confined.
And, it just felt like we had to sit quietly because of being closed in. So, we walked around a bit and went farther out and higher up where everyone was much more spaced out.
And, we talked.
It was really nice. Just, about things that were bothering us and things that happened in the past. It's really nice how much we think alike. Almost in a scary way. Hahaha!
And, we got to watch the game easier, being able to see the field more.
There came a point where Wesley was talking about a career in ice skating, possibly. (Which would be so awesome. He's really talented!)
And, it got me thinking. What am I going to do?
Well, it should be more like, Why aren't I doing it?
Because. I already know what I want to do. What I've always felt lead to do.
Writing.
I don't need a college degree to do this. Gosh. I should be doing this right now when I'm so free! While I don't have to have a job to pay bills or buy food for myself!
And I've realized why all my works have eventually become "unfinishables." They had no purpose.
No "The moral of the story is..."
Nothing that... means anything.
And, I know that now. So I want to find the right thing to start.
And, in the car ride home, as Wesley slowly drifted to sleep...(hehehe!) I thought about maybe I should do children's books right now. I could illustrate, too! And, it has a lesson. Something subconsciously teaching children. Writing and drawing. What I love to do...
And, using the gifts God gave me...
For something that's actually going to make a difference in someone's life!
It's so amazing. So great.
You see... My zeal for wanting to make a difference hasn't faded from MOVE!
I'm reminded every week. Sitting next to Wesley, Sunday morning, listening to what God wants us to hear...
It's so very empowering.
It's so great that God sent me Wesley. And he wants to make a difference too.
I know... that... people worry about me and don't want me to "rely" on him too much... Because, you don't want me to get hurt. I love you. Thank you so much for your care.
But, this isn't a bad thing. Trust me.
It's just two Kingdom Workers holding hands.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Idea of Getting Rid of Junk.
Right now, I have a bag of frozen mixed vegetables strapped to my neck with my blankie so I can type without having to hold it up.
Hahaha, yeah. My neck has been killing me for a couple days. Yesterday, it was, "Oh. I'm a little sore...?"
And this morning I woke up from the pain and couldn't move for a few minutes and groaned, "Uuuuugghhhh..." and felt like crying...
It's like a have some knots on my neck but also my glands are swollen up, like when you get a sore throat, but except my throat isn't really hurting so it's kinda strange.
Mom says I must be fighting something off. Go immunity system! Please! Sick in summer?--Not fun.
And, I've been feeling so creative lately. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to clean-- huh? QUE?! Clean?! Whitney!? ..you say? Yeah. Clean. But not like "Let's organize!" Bleh. Or even, "Let's dust and make my room pretty!" Yeah--no.
I was telling Wesley about this and I kinda want him to help me.
But, I had been thinking about what was said at MOVE 2010. They used the story of the Israelites following God in the desert.
That they would set up camp and they wouldn't know if they were going to stay there only one night or several weeks so, they wouldn't set up fancy tents and have a ton of stuff because then they wouldn't have time to pack up immediately and go where God lead them. And at the conference, they said that today, we all keep ourselves "packed-down" with worldly possessions.
If God wanted us to move someplace to do his work, we wouldn't be able to act because of all the junk we have.
So, I've actually had this on my mind throughout this past year.
And, last week my grandma and mom were talking about these big houses that we can't believe people live in.
My grandma said she wouldn't want someplace that big but she'd want something bigger then she has now.
I don't remember what my mom had commented...
But, I chimed in that I wouldn't want to live in a big house at all and that I'd want a pretty small place.
And Mom...scoffed and almost mockingly remarked, "Oh yeah? Where are you going to put all your junk?"
It... irked me.
I replied, "I won't have any."
She laughed the laugh of "Yeeeah, right." And they mumbled something to themselves that I should get rid of the junk I have now.
It kinda struck me because I guess I never considered taking all the stuff in my room with me when I left...
And... ugh... I'd write more... But, I'm gonna wrap this up. I really don't feel well...
I want to get rid of my junk... Go through it all and throw things away or give it away...
So, yeah... That was anti-climatic.
Sorry... I had so much else to write... Gr.
I'll write soon... Hopefully. May go to the doctor's tomorrow...
Hahaha, yeah. My neck has been killing me for a couple days. Yesterday, it was, "Oh. I'm a little sore...?"
And this morning I woke up from the pain and couldn't move for a few minutes and groaned, "Uuuuugghhhh..." and felt like crying...
It's like a have some knots on my neck but also my glands are swollen up, like when you get a sore throat, but except my throat isn't really hurting so it's kinda strange.
Mom says I must be fighting something off. Go immunity system! Please! Sick in summer?--Not fun.
And, I've been feeling so creative lately. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to clean-- huh? QUE?! Clean?! Whitney!? ..you say? Yeah. Clean. But not like "Let's organize!" Bleh. Or even, "Let's dust and make my room pretty!" Yeah--no.
I was telling Wesley about this and I kinda want him to help me.
But, I had been thinking about what was said at MOVE 2010. They used the story of the Israelites following God in the desert.
That they would set up camp and they wouldn't know if they were going to stay there only one night or several weeks so, they wouldn't set up fancy tents and have a ton of stuff because then they wouldn't have time to pack up immediately and go where God lead them. And at the conference, they said that today, we all keep ourselves "packed-down" with worldly possessions.
If God wanted us to move someplace to do his work, we wouldn't be able to act because of all the junk we have.
So, I've actually had this on my mind throughout this past year.
And, last week my grandma and mom were talking about these big houses that we can't believe people live in.
My grandma said she wouldn't want someplace that big but she'd want something bigger then she has now.
I don't remember what my mom had commented...
But, I chimed in that I wouldn't want to live in a big house at all and that I'd want a pretty small place.
And Mom...scoffed and almost mockingly remarked, "Oh yeah? Where are you going to put all your junk?"
It... irked me.
I replied, "I won't have any."
She laughed the laugh of "Yeeeah, right." And they mumbled something to themselves that I should get rid of the junk I have now.
It kinda struck me because I guess I never considered taking all the stuff in my room with me when I left...
And... ugh... I'd write more... But, I'm gonna wrap this up. I really don't feel well...
I want to get rid of my junk... Go through it all and throw things away or give it away...
So, yeah... That was anti-climatic.
Sorry... I had so much else to write... Gr.
I'll write soon... Hopefully. May go to the doctor's tomorrow...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thoughts and Reflections : CIY MOVE.
Wow. I'm back!
I just got back from a youth conference called CIY MOVE that I went with my church's Sr. High.
It’s been... an amazing week.
At the beginning of the trip, I had said my reason for coming was that I wanted to get my brain thinking, I needed some deep thinking to get me rolling. I've been so "dull" lately and... I needed sharpening.
But, I think I got something better...
I didn't go into this week expecting to get "stronger" in my faith, because... I thought I was strong. God had just pulled me out of a storm and I was realizing all these things that He had done for me. I was so incredibly thankful for all for all He'd blessed me with and so happy that He had sent Wesley to me.
Anyway... so I was shocked when I sat in those sessions and I felt so... disconnected.
"What am I doing wrong? I have everything." But, I wasn't full if I couldn't feel God.
And, as the week went by and the growing desire to be passionate about Christ grew--I mean, really, I've felt what it is to be passionate in my faith and it's the most satisfying feeling. Where had it gone?--Anyway, as the desire to be passionate grew, I began just thinking, "Take it all away, Lord. I'd rather be in the storms then have everything and not be with you."
That sounds so...noble, I guess when you read it.
But, I was thinking about my family, how much I'd... miss them if they were suddenly... gone...
And, I feel kinda bad that I'd...let them go...willingly...for God...
Don't get me wrong, I... love my family... SO MUCH. And, I would be so... devastated if any of them got hurt or...anything bad happened to them...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that... it's...just such a strong need for God.
That's around the time I realized that some things that I've always thought, "Why shouldn't I actually do that?" might actually be God putting those things on my heart for a reason.
Well, one of those things I've always known is Writing. Since I was really little--around Kindergarten--I thought God wanted me to be an author.
But, something else I've only slightly thought about is...the option of moving to a different country. Hold on. Don't freak out. Hahaha!
I remember a while back... I think it was on Mother's Day... the family was at Tito's, a Mexican restaurant, and I suddenly mentioned that it was weird that I always felt like it wasn't an option to move to a different country, even though it really is...
Haha, of course, my mother wasn't too pleased with my...realization that it is a possible thing.
And, while I was thinking about this possibility again, and what God could use me for... I realized... something amazing.
And, the idea of it kind of shocked me. I even stopped singing. (my mind feels the most perceptive to what God has to say during singing)
What if... all my problems with being along is really a...gift?
I've mentioned it before in earlier posts that the motif of my life has been loneliness, and I guess that's really a harsh way of putting it. Could that push to always be alone really be a blessing?
I mean, I don't really need people's companies all that much. Again, that sounds bad... I really love friends and I do love hanging out with people.
But, if I connect the dots, I really could...move to a different country.
I'm not as "attached" to people as some are.
It's very...do-able...
This seems like something I would do after college and probably even after I'm married.
I'll pray on it, don't worry. Definitely. :)
But, it would be so nice to get away from all the distractions and laziness that comes with being in all this wealth... I mean, I know I'm very blessed. But, I can live on less..... less money, less technology, less living space, less entertainment, less sleeping time... etc...
I know I get distracted very easily.
And, on a side note, now that I'm home... everything seems so pointless. Facebook statuses that I see. It's almost a "disgust" feeling. Like... Why are we wasting our lives on these pointless squabbles and ramblings? I mean... all of us...work so hard every single day... just to make sure people like us!
It's weird.
It definitely makes me want to not only change my lifestyle but... to make change in others. We're all living so...emptily..? (is that a word? lol)
So, throughout that week, I was thinking about this and about wanting to feel God alot.
It wasn't a "doubting God exists" kinda thing, but more of a "why can't I feel him, personally, with me?"
I didn't keep my doubt to myself, though, like I usually did before. I told Wesley I was struggling with it. He was very supportive. Thank you. :)
And, something randomly that hit me this week, that... frankly I'm having trouble believing... I mean, I always have. And I've talked about this briefly before, I'm sure.
But, I... I've come to realize I'm a pretty vain person. I care way too much about how I look and how people see me.
And. I have real difficulty believing people when they tell me I'm beautiful.
It's... like a lie to me... Not to be mean or anything. It's just difficult to explain.
I mean, I know God doesn't make junk. I... just haven't had much proof through my years from people...
And, I was thinking about this during worship. (See? Vain.) And, I looked up at the ceiling and almost cried, thinking, "God. Do you think I'm beautiful?"
It was almost like I could feel an exasperated sigh from Heaven. Like a "Still don't get it?" kind of sigh.
And, then, I looked at Wesley and I don't know... It was like He said, "I sent you proof. Of course you're beautiful."
I know someone reading this thinks it's cheesy... but... meh to you!
And... I'm going to embarrass Wesley here for a second... because, this surprised me so much... and made me happy.
I think we were walking around and I don't remember what we were talking about but he randomly said, "Earlier... I think when you had gone into the bathroom," he laughed nervously here, "...I was looking around at all the other girls... And... I felt so incredibly lucky."
I just... what? Lucky? ...I was shocked... because... there are some really good-looking girls... I couldn't beleive that he actually said that... and meant it... Gosh... lol... .///.
Anyway. On a much, much more serious note... we (all of CIY) watched this movie called Love Costs Everything. It's about the persecuted church around the world. It was so...incredibly...sad...and terrifying. Throughout it I kept thinking,
...Gosh. And, my words don't even come close to conveying... this... and... everything... Gosh...
It's so mind-blowing how incredibly evil people can be and how incredibly evil people ARE.
Right this minute.
Murdering whole families just because they won't renounce Christ.
Right this second.
It...breaks my heart...so completely...
But, there was such amazing hope in that movie as well.
Seeing the other side of the spectrum--the incredible love and the extreme passion for Christ that gives people the ability to continue following Jesus each day, despite the danger and the extreme mercy and forgiveness given to persecutors...
That.
...is so much more amazing... so much more shocking... in comparison to the evilness...
It's extraordinary...
It's... God.
Wow. God truly is amazing. He gives Christians strength and hope. And, He can soften the heart of anyone--even ones who are considered the most evil.
Also, during the movie I was thinking about God allowing all of this to take place because... He loves us so much...
He gave us free-will.
He wants everyone to go to Heaven.
It...must break his heart to see his children get tortured and murdered... But he allows it to happen so people don't have to go to Hell.
Isn't that amazing...?
I have a better understanding of how terrible Hell is because of this movie...
It's so absolutely horrifyingly terrible... that God would rather have us go through getting beaten and watching loved ones get beaten to death then for any of us to go to Hell.
Wow...
Do you...understand what I'm saying?
Sooo, anyway, I cried. And cried. And cried.
I did really well, actually; I got through around 3/4ths of the movie without breaking down.
But, there was this story of a man who had such passion for Christ and his wife, the love of his life. While they were riding, motorcycles with extremist Hindus surrounded them. They beat them... he went unconscious and when he awoke in the hospital... He was almost dead... and his wife had been beaten to death while he was unconscious.
He was in such critical condition that...he couldn't even attend her funeral.
And, I just broke down and sobbed.
I was shaking and I could feel Wesley crying beside me.
Then, the man was sobbing on camera, saying, "...the love of my life..."
But, he still prasied God...and continues the ministry of spreading the good news that he and his wife had done that had lead to her death.
It's amazing...
I'm so thankful that Wesley was here and... that he cried with me. Even after the film ended my eyes were puffy and I kept thinking of them and how I wanted to spread the Word so passionately like them. I want what they have... I want to do something.
But, afterward, it was frustrating to watch everyone around us...happy and laughing. I know it could be there way of dealing with it... But... It felt almost insulting...
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I did.
I was angry... And, I was upset that I was angry.
But, it was a relief that Wesley felt the same. I wasn't alone in feeling so crushed after watching all that.
I couldn't say anything when our Youth Group met and talked. I was so close to just sobbing again and I feared that if I spoke, I would end up not being able to speak through the tears...
Afterward, Wesley and I prayed, then walked up the hills...crying. And, then at the top of the hill we talked to Cheri. And I just sobbed again. Tears were still streaming down Wesley's face.
Cheri was very supportive and said some... very wonderful things. Thank you. :)
It was insane... But, it was good to cry. It was relieving that Wesley cried with me... Thank you.
*cough* Anyway-! It was just a great week. Realizing that...my religion should really be my lifestyle. I think--especially in American culture--we forget that being a Christian is more than just going to Church. I mean. We ARE the Church. "Christian" means following Christ!
I enjoy the name Kingdom Worker. It makes me feel like I've left all the labels and judgements that people put on the word "Christian" because of people who aren't being Christ-like...which is really sad...
And, at the end of MOVE, during the last session, I knew they were going to ask for the three different groups to stand up. The "New Christians", the "Rededicated", and the "Deciding to be Kingdom Workers" groups.
And, I knew I felt called to truly be a Kingdom Worker and put my whole life to use for Christ... But. I didn't want to stand up. I didn't want people to see me stand up and think that I'm just trying to be all "high-and-mighty" and better then everyone else. Gosh. I'm always scared about that.
I hate the spotlight. Haha, I don't like people looking at me...
And as the two groups ahead of me were called and I saw people from our group stand and be prayed for. I... felt like I needed the countability of standing up and showing everyone that... my life was for Christ. I wanted it to be.
I want to make a difference.
I want to set the church on fire.
I want to live for Christ everyday.
So, the guy called for the people who decided to be Kingdom Workers and use their entire lives to stand...
I hesitated for a second. I let go of Wesley's hand. And I stood slowly. And tried not to look around. I didn't want to see their faces. Even if they were smiling. I didn't want to accidently find resentment. I guess that's a silly fear and something I shouldn't worry about.
I mean, I know that I'm being genuine. And, more importantly, God knows.
I must say... it surprised me. Standing there alone.
I was fully expecting Wesley to stand up with me.
He had been so impacted that entire week and I could see the change and the passion that he felt. When he sang, with tears sometimes and with a wide smile stretched across his face as he sang, "Scream it to the mountains-! Go tell it to the masses-! That, he is... God." I could tell that he wanted to be a Kingdom Worker. He wants to make a difference just like me.
But, he hadn't stood up yet. I was frozen up there, staring straight ahead. Feeling uplifted with God's presence and His sense of purpose.
And finally. Wesley stood up. I took his hand happily, tears coming to my eyes.
And, everyone placed their hands on us and were prayed for. It was wonderful.
Later, Wesley told me that he didn't stand up right away because of the same reasons I had had. He didn't want everyone to think, "Oh, he's just standing up because that's his girlfriend." And, finally. He heard God basically say, "Why aren't you up there with her?" And he stood.
... I didn't want MOVE to end. I didn't really want to go home. (haha, sorry...) It's like I wanted to skip this almost "trivialness" and skip straight to making a difference.
I know now that I can definitely make a difference here, in the lives of the people around me. I still get a little frustrated by the meaninglessness of everyday life... And, I'm already adjusting back to my old schedule.
And... I don't like that.
I'm not going to lose this passion for Christ!
It's different now.
I can do this.
Something major I've always knooown that I've needed to do is jump into God's Word more. Jeez, I am terrible about that.
I want to be engaged like some are.
So, I think I'm going to... paint the Bible. Like, read and analyze parts and make a masterpiece out of what it means to me and what I think about.
I'm making Wesley help me.
I want him to be my countability partner and I want to discuss things with him because he can be pretty smart when he wants to be. ;D hahaha.
Life is good. God is good.
I feel like there's so much more I could write about... But, I've pretty much covered all the important stuff.
Thanks, everybody, for a great week. And thank you, reader, for reading this entire thing! (unless you just skimmed through and that makes you a JERK. Hahaha, just kidding!)
God orignially created us in his image...
And now, He's remaking us in Christ's image...
I just got back from a youth conference called CIY MOVE that I went with my church's Sr. High.
It’s been... an amazing week.
At the beginning of the trip, I had said my reason for coming was that I wanted to get my brain thinking, I needed some deep thinking to get me rolling. I've been so "dull" lately and... I needed sharpening.
But, I think I got something better...
I didn't go into this week expecting to get "stronger" in my faith, because... I thought I was strong. God had just pulled me out of a storm and I was realizing all these things that He had done for me. I was so incredibly thankful for all for all He'd blessed me with and so happy that He had sent Wesley to me.
Anyway... so I was shocked when I sat in those sessions and I felt so... disconnected.
"What am I doing wrong? I have everything." But, I wasn't full if I couldn't feel God.
And, as the week went by and the growing desire to be passionate about Christ grew--I mean, really, I've felt what it is to be passionate in my faith and it's the most satisfying feeling. Where had it gone?--Anyway, as the desire to be passionate grew, I began just thinking, "Take it all away, Lord. I'd rather be in the storms then have everything and not be with you."
That sounds so...noble, I guess when you read it.
But, I was thinking about my family, how much I'd... miss them if they were suddenly... gone...
And, I feel kinda bad that I'd...let them go...willingly...for God...
Don't get me wrong, I... love my family... SO MUCH. And, I would be so... devastated if any of them got hurt or...anything bad happened to them...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that... it's...just such a strong need for God.
That's around the time I realized that some things that I've always thought, "Why shouldn't I actually do that?" might actually be God putting those things on my heart for a reason.
Well, one of those things I've always known is Writing. Since I was really little--around Kindergarten--I thought God wanted me to be an author.
But, something else I've only slightly thought about is...the option of moving to a different country. Hold on. Don't freak out. Hahaha!
I remember a while back... I think it was on Mother's Day... the family was at Tito's, a Mexican restaurant, and I suddenly mentioned that it was weird that I always felt like it wasn't an option to move to a different country, even though it really is...
Haha, of course, my mother wasn't too pleased with my...realization that it is a possible thing.
And, while I was thinking about this possibility again, and what God could use me for... I realized... something amazing.
And, the idea of it kind of shocked me. I even stopped singing. (my mind feels the most perceptive to what God has to say during singing)
What if... all my problems with being along is really a...gift?
I've mentioned it before in earlier posts that the motif of my life has been loneliness, and I guess that's really a harsh way of putting it. Could that push to always be alone really be a blessing?
I mean, I don't really need people's companies all that much. Again, that sounds bad... I really love friends and I do love hanging out with people.
But, if I connect the dots, I really could...move to a different country.
I'm not as "attached" to people as some are.
It's very...do-able...
This seems like something I would do after college and probably even after I'm married.
I'll pray on it, don't worry. Definitely. :)
But, it would be so nice to get away from all the distractions and laziness that comes with being in all this wealth... I mean, I know I'm very blessed. But, I can live on less..... less money, less technology, less living space, less entertainment, less sleeping time... etc...
I know I get distracted very easily.
And, on a side note, now that I'm home... everything seems so pointless. Facebook statuses that I see. It's almost a "disgust" feeling. Like... Why are we wasting our lives on these pointless squabbles and ramblings? I mean... all of us...work so hard every single day... just to make sure people like us!
It's weird.
It definitely makes me want to not only change my lifestyle but... to make change in others. We're all living so...emptily..? (is that a word? lol)
So, throughout that week, I was thinking about this and about wanting to feel God alot.
It wasn't a "doubting God exists" kinda thing, but more of a "why can't I feel him, personally, with me?"
I didn't keep my doubt to myself, though, like I usually did before. I told Wesley I was struggling with it. He was very supportive. Thank you. :)
And, something randomly that hit me this week, that... frankly I'm having trouble believing... I mean, I always have. And I've talked about this briefly before, I'm sure.
But, I... I've come to realize I'm a pretty vain person. I care way too much about how I look and how people see me.
And. I have real difficulty believing people when they tell me I'm beautiful.
It's... like a lie to me... Not to be mean or anything. It's just difficult to explain.
I mean, I know God doesn't make junk. I... just haven't had much proof through my years from people...
And, I was thinking about this during worship. (See? Vain.) And, I looked up at the ceiling and almost cried, thinking, "God. Do you think I'm beautiful?"
It was almost like I could feel an exasperated sigh from Heaven. Like a "Still don't get it?" kind of sigh.
And, then, I looked at Wesley and I don't know... It was like He said, "I sent you proof. Of course you're beautiful."
I know someone reading this thinks it's cheesy... but... meh to you!
And... I'm going to embarrass Wesley here for a second... because, this surprised me so much... and made me happy.
I think we were walking around and I don't remember what we were talking about but he randomly said, "Earlier... I think when you had gone into the bathroom," he laughed nervously here, "...I was looking around at all the other girls... And... I felt so incredibly lucky."
I just... what? Lucky? ...I was shocked... because... there are some really good-looking girls... I couldn't beleive that he actually said that... and meant it... Gosh... lol... .///.
Anyway. On a much, much more serious note... we (all of CIY) watched this movie called Love Costs Everything. It's about the persecuted church around the world. It was so...incredibly...sad...and terrifying. Throughout it I kept thinking,
"How can someone be so evil?"
...
...evil enough to literally BEAT people to death...
...
...evil enough to rape a wife repeatedly in front of her husband...
...
...evil enough to turn to a small child... whose parents were just murdered before him... and shoot him in the head...just to shut up his crying and screaming...
...
...Gosh. And, my words don't even come close to conveying... this... and... everything... Gosh...
It's so mind-blowing how incredibly evil people can be and how incredibly evil people ARE.
Right this minute.
Murdering whole families just because they won't renounce Christ.
Right this second.
It...breaks my heart...so completely...
But, there was such amazing hope in that movie as well.
Seeing the other side of the spectrum--the incredible love and the extreme passion for Christ that gives people the ability to continue following Jesus each day, despite the danger and the extreme mercy and forgiveness given to persecutors...
That.
...is so much more amazing... so much more shocking... in comparison to the evilness...
It's extraordinary...
It's... God.
Wow. God truly is amazing. He gives Christians strength and hope. And, He can soften the heart of anyone--even ones who are considered the most evil.
Also, during the movie I was thinking about God allowing all of this to take place because... He loves us so much...
He gave us free-will.
He wants everyone to go to Heaven.
It...must break his heart to see his children get tortured and murdered... But he allows it to happen so people don't have to go to Hell.
Isn't that amazing...?
I have a better understanding of how terrible Hell is because of this movie...
It's so absolutely horrifyingly terrible... that God would rather have us go through getting beaten and watching loved ones get beaten to death then for any of us to go to Hell.
Wow...
Do you...understand what I'm saying?
Sooo, anyway, I cried. And cried. And cried.
I did really well, actually; I got through around 3/4ths of the movie without breaking down.
But, there was this story of a man who had such passion for Christ and his wife, the love of his life. While they were riding, motorcycles with extremist Hindus surrounded them. They beat them... he went unconscious and when he awoke in the hospital... He was almost dead... and his wife had been beaten to death while he was unconscious.
He was in such critical condition that...he couldn't even attend her funeral.
And, I just broke down and sobbed.
I was shaking and I could feel Wesley crying beside me.
Then, the man was sobbing on camera, saying, "...the love of my life..."
But, he still prasied God...and continues the ministry of spreading the good news that he and his wife had done that had lead to her death.
It's amazing...
I'm so thankful that Wesley was here and... that he cried with me. Even after the film ended my eyes were puffy and I kept thinking of them and how I wanted to spread the Word so passionately like them. I want what they have... I want to do something.
But, afterward, it was frustrating to watch everyone around us...happy and laughing. I know it could be there way of dealing with it... But... It felt almost insulting...
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I did.
I was angry... And, I was upset that I was angry.
But, it was a relief that Wesley felt the same. I wasn't alone in feeling so crushed after watching all that.
I couldn't say anything when our Youth Group met and talked. I was so close to just sobbing again and I feared that if I spoke, I would end up not being able to speak through the tears...
Afterward, Wesley and I prayed, then walked up the hills...crying. And, then at the top of the hill we talked to Cheri. And I just sobbed again. Tears were still streaming down Wesley's face.
Cheri was very supportive and said some... very wonderful things. Thank you. :)
It was insane... But, it was good to cry. It was relieving that Wesley cried with me... Thank you.
*cough* Anyway-! It was just a great week. Realizing that...my religion should really be my lifestyle. I think--especially in American culture--we forget that being a Christian is more than just going to Church. I mean. We ARE the Church. "Christian" means following Christ!
I enjoy the name Kingdom Worker. It makes me feel like I've left all the labels and judgements that people put on the word "Christian" because of people who aren't being Christ-like...which is really sad...
And, at the end of MOVE, during the last session, I knew they were going to ask for the three different groups to stand up. The "New Christians", the "Rededicated", and the "Deciding to be Kingdom Workers" groups.
And, I knew I felt called to truly be a Kingdom Worker and put my whole life to use for Christ... But. I didn't want to stand up. I didn't want people to see me stand up and think that I'm just trying to be all "high-and-mighty" and better then everyone else. Gosh. I'm always scared about that.
I hate the spotlight. Haha, I don't like people looking at me...
And as the two groups ahead of me were called and I saw people from our group stand and be prayed for. I... felt like I needed the countability of standing up and showing everyone that... my life was for Christ. I wanted it to be.
I want to make a difference.
I want to set the church on fire.
I want to live for Christ everyday.
So, the guy called for the people who decided to be Kingdom Workers and use their entire lives to stand...
I hesitated for a second. I let go of Wesley's hand. And I stood slowly. And tried not to look around. I didn't want to see their faces. Even if they were smiling. I didn't want to accidently find resentment. I guess that's a silly fear and something I shouldn't worry about.
I mean, I know that I'm being genuine. And, more importantly, God knows.
I must say... it surprised me. Standing there alone.
I was fully expecting Wesley to stand up with me.
He had been so impacted that entire week and I could see the change and the passion that he felt. When he sang, with tears sometimes and with a wide smile stretched across his face as he sang, "Scream it to the mountains-! Go tell it to the masses-! That, he is... God." I could tell that he wanted to be a Kingdom Worker. He wants to make a difference just like me.
But, he hadn't stood up yet. I was frozen up there, staring straight ahead. Feeling uplifted with God's presence and His sense of purpose.
And finally. Wesley stood up. I took his hand happily, tears coming to my eyes.
And, everyone placed their hands on us and were prayed for. It was wonderful.
Later, Wesley told me that he didn't stand up right away because of the same reasons I had had. He didn't want everyone to think, "Oh, he's just standing up because that's his girlfriend." And, finally. He heard God basically say, "Why aren't you up there with her?" And he stood.
... I didn't want MOVE to end. I didn't really want to go home. (haha, sorry...) It's like I wanted to skip this almost "trivialness" and skip straight to making a difference.
I know now that I can definitely make a difference here, in the lives of the people around me. I still get a little frustrated by the meaninglessness of everyday life... And, I'm already adjusting back to my old schedule.
And... I don't like that.
I'm not going to lose this passion for Christ!
It's different now.
I can do this.
Something major I've always knooown that I've needed to do is jump into God's Word more. Jeez, I am terrible about that.
I want to be engaged like some are.
So, I think I'm going to... paint the Bible. Like, read and analyze parts and make a masterpiece out of what it means to me and what I think about.
I'm making Wesley help me.
I want him to be my countability partner and I want to discuss things with him because he can be pretty smart when he wants to be. ;D hahaha.
Life is good. God is good.
I feel like there's so much more I could write about... But, I've pretty much covered all the important stuff.
Thanks, everybody, for a great week. And thank you, reader, for reading this entire thing! (unless you just skimmed through and that makes you a JERK. Hahaha, just kidding!)
God orignially created us in his image...
And now, He's remaking us in Christ's image...
"Therefore, go and make disciples..."
-Matthew 28:19a
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Group Campout Thoughts.
The other night, “the group” had this campout thing. It was so great having pretty much everyone back together. I loved seeing them all, just hanging out, like old times. :)
And... at some point--after the scary stories...gosh, that was freaky--Ty and Brian started talking about this sermon Brian had done for their youth group...
It was about everyone being the body of Christ and when one part suffers, the whole body suffers. Especially when one doesn’t tell others that they’re suffering. It’ll fester and make things worse.
Which, I totally agree with... I’ve seen my own suffering fester underground into something I still can’t seem to let go.
Anyway, Brian told us he said to the youth that they all needed to share their struggles with someone, and they had this amazing time in which a good portion of the youth came up and told their sufferings and struggles...
And, I must say I’ve always wanted that to happen in my youth group... Well, more like I wanted it to happen when I was really hurting and when I seriously needed someone to ask if I was ok. Because I wasn’t. For years.
I don’t know how late it was, but, we were all set on not sleeping, anyway. Hahaha! And, Carissa suggested we do the same: go around and talk about our struggles.
It was actually a great suggestion. Plus, we were already gathered around. :)
Ty started out and... to my surprise... He talked about me, too. He mentioned this video I had made for my last English project, which was on the first blog entry I made on here, actually.
He said that he was proud of me, because everyone graduated and left me. And that I’ve kept with it and put myself out there, getting friends and such.
And. It hit me.
I’ve never been entirely close to Ty--though I think he’s awesome and hilarious! And, that made it strike me more. Man.
It felt... so good for someone to sincerely tell me, “Good job, you’re doing great, Whitney! Keep at it!” Because it’s been hard. Thank you.
And, for him to actually be thinking about me! Wow. Thank you.
It’s easy for me to just sit in the back, being the “baby” of the group and all, and just feel like my life is invisible.
I mean, really. I don’t think I ever shared my troubles with my closest friends even when they were with me at high school--Oh, definitely not you guys’ faults! Gosh. Don’t EVER think that.
That’s my weakness. That’s how I’m messed up.
You guys actually helped me survive my first two years of high school. Thank you.
Well, now that I’m all emotional... I’ll just keep talking. Hahaha.
So, yeah. Mostly everyone did talk. And... I really appreciated them all telling us. I didn’t say much--sorry about that. I was just absorbing it all, listening silently... I love you guys so much! I wish I could erase every trouble. Heal every wound. And smack life in the face, saying, “C’mon! Be nice to them! They’re amazing!”
Seriously. Love. :)
Someone I wished would’ve talked... is Abbey. I worry so much about her. I know there’s something she was thinking about... Something weighing on her heart... I feel like she’s worse than I am, about keeping things locked inside...
I kind of wanted to talk, also. But, it would’ve been mostly past stuff. Because, I’m so very happy right now. Still figuring things out, for sure. But, I feel very content.
And, that’s mostly because of Wesley.
It was actually quite random--becoming great friends with Wesley, that is. He pretty much randomly talked to me on facebook. Commenting on something, I think? I had met him earlier in the school year at Frisbee (when I actually went to that...haha, I’m so lazy.) And, it was nice. Especially since I was a wreck then-- I mean if you’ve read some of my more early posts, you’d understand a bit.
And he gave me his number and we just texted each other randomly-- well, more like he’d text me randomly, I usually forgot to text anyone at that time. And that struck me, also. He’d actually text me first. I mean, really, I usually have to text other people first. He actually wanted to talk to me. Hahaha! :)
And... He was so darn optimistic! Like, it was a “Why not smile?” kind of feel. And he’d always go on about having adventures and shenanigan stuff. Hahaha! Being happy and just loving life even if things don’t go totally the way you want them to.
It was very uplifting. I think he has a gift for making people feel better and feel awesome.
I mean, he told me about this one time he saw a worker at the mall looking depressed and he walked up and asked him if he was ok and that he was awesome. Isn’t that cool?!
Gosh. I could never do that. I’m such a chicken. Hahaha!
I wish I had Wesley’s goofiness and his not-caring-if-people-see-him-being-goofy-ness. Hahaha! He’s awesome--You’re awesome, Wesley. :)
I think I’ll keep him around... just for kicks. ;D
Anyway, the campout was a success. Yeah, I didn’t sleep. Woo! Proud of myself. Thank you, everyone, for being my friend all this time and loving me... I’m so lucky to still have all of you even though you’ve already graduated-- I’m almost done with high school as well!
Don’t wait up.
;)
And... at some point--after the scary stories...gosh, that was freaky--Ty and Brian started talking about this sermon Brian had done for their youth group...
It was about everyone being the body of Christ and when one part suffers, the whole body suffers. Especially when one doesn’t tell others that they’re suffering. It’ll fester and make things worse.
Which, I totally agree with... I’ve seen my own suffering fester underground into something I still can’t seem to let go.
Anyway, Brian told us he said to the youth that they all needed to share their struggles with someone, and they had this amazing time in which a good portion of the youth came up and told their sufferings and struggles...
And, I must say I’ve always wanted that to happen in my youth group... Well, more like I wanted it to happen when I was really hurting and when I seriously needed someone to ask if I was ok. Because I wasn’t. For years.
I don’t know how late it was, but, we were all set on not sleeping, anyway. Hahaha! And, Carissa suggested we do the same: go around and talk about our struggles.
It was actually a great suggestion. Plus, we were already gathered around. :)
Ty started out and... to my surprise... He talked about me, too. He mentioned this video I had made for my last English project, which was on the first blog entry I made on here, actually.
He said that he was proud of me, because everyone graduated and left me. And that I’ve kept with it and put myself out there, getting friends and such.
And. It hit me.
I’ve never been entirely close to Ty--though I think he’s awesome and hilarious! And, that made it strike me more. Man.
It felt... so good for someone to sincerely tell me, “Good job, you’re doing great, Whitney! Keep at it!” Because it’s been hard. Thank you.
And, for him to actually be thinking about me! Wow. Thank you.
It’s easy for me to just sit in the back, being the “baby” of the group and all, and just feel like my life is invisible.
I mean, really. I don’t think I ever shared my troubles with my closest friends even when they were with me at high school--Oh, definitely not you guys’ faults! Gosh. Don’t EVER think that.
That’s my weakness. That’s how I’m messed up.
You guys actually helped me survive my first two years of high school. Thank you.
Well, now that I’m all emotional... I’ll just keep talking. Hahaha.
So, yeah. Mostly everyone did talk. And... I really appreciated them all telling us. I didn’t say much--sorry about that. I was just absorbing it all, listening silently... I love you guys so much! I wish I could erase every trouble. Heal every wound. And smack life in the face, saying, “C’mon! Be nice to them! They’re amazing!”
Seriously. Love. :)
Someone I wished would’ve talked... is Abbey. I worry so much about her. I know there’s something she was thinking about... Something weighing on her heart... I feel like she’s worse than I am, about keeping things locked inside...
I kind of wanted to talk, also. But, it would’ve been mostly past stuff. Because, I’m so very happy right now. Still figuring things out, for sure. But, I feel very content.
And, that’s mostly because of Wesley.
It was actually quite random--becoming great friends with Wesley, that is. He pretty much randomly talked to me on facebook. Commenting on something, I think? I had met him earlier in the school year at Frisbee (when I actually went to that...haha, I’m so lazy.) And, it was nice. Especially since I was a wreck then-- I mean if you’ve read some of my more early posts, you’d understand a bit.
And he gave me his number and we just texted each other randomly-- well, more like he’d text me randomly, I usually forgot to text anyone at that time. And that struck me, also. He’d actually text me first. I mean, really, I usually have to text other people first. He actually wanted to talk to me. Hahaha! :)
And... He was so darn optimistic! Like, it was a “Why not smile?” kind of feel. And he’d always go on about having adventures and shenanigan stuff. Hahaha! Being happy and just loving life even if things don’t go totally the way you want them to.
It was very uplifting. I think he has a gift for making people feel better and feel awesome.
I mean, he told me about this one time he saw a worker at the mall looking depressed and he walked up and asked him if he was ok and that he was awesome. Isn’t that cool?!
Gosh. I could never do that. I’m such a chicken. Hahaha!
I wish I had Wesley’s goofiness and his not-caring-if-people-see-him-being-goofy-ness. Hahaha! He’s awesome--You’re awesome, Wesley. :)
I think I’ll keep him around... just for kicks. ;D
Anyway, the campout was a success. Yeah, I didn’t sleep. Woo! Proud of myself. Thank you, everyone, for being my friend all this time and loving me... I’m so lucky to still have all of you even though you’ve already graduated-- I’m almost done with high school as well!
Don’t wait up.
;)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"This is Water" Thinking.
First off, the reason I haven't written anything on here... in almost two weeks-ish, is because I've been so... happy.
I still have so many thoughts that I could write about... but this happiness just seems to cover up my entire mind.
And, it's such a great thing! :)
I would explain... but it seems waaay too cheesy for me to explain through words on a blog. Hahaha!
Anyway, something that I've been wanting to write about since the first day of exams, which was... a week ago, is this speech we listened to in Creative Writing. Well, more accurately it was a commencement speech.
"This is Water." by David Foster Wallace.
Actually, it would do everyone good to read this:
I'm just... thankful that this concept isn't new to me.
I try to think of other possibilities to things that could irritate me.
Like David mentions:
Go against your natural "default settings" and think optimistically. Think of people as being good.
It makes you so much more happy.
It definitely keeps me in a better mood.
Another big thing I was thinking when I read this is that this is so difficult. It's not easy.
Especially when you're the only one trying and the only one who understands that this is a good thing to do.
People put me down for trying to put an ideal situation on things.
And it's so sad... and so tiring... for them to snap at me, "Oh shush, 'little miss perfect'"
I'm not perfect. Nor am I trying to appear perfect.
I just want you not to be mad.
Can't you see that I'm trying to help you?
Don't shoot me down.
It's hard enough.
Yeah. So. I hope that made sense. It seemed to come out a little jumbled. Hahaha, thanks for reading.
If you didn't read that speech. You should. And, don't just read it: apply it. It'll make life so much more bearable.
:)
I still have so many thoughts that I could write about... but this happiness just seems to cover up my entire mind.
And, it's such a great thing! :)
I would explain... but it seems waaay too cheesy for me to explain through words on a blog. Hahaha!
Anyway, something that I've been wanting to write about since the first day of exams, which was... a week ago, is this speech we listened to in Creative Writing. Well, more accurately it was a commencement speech.
"This is Water." by David Foster Wallace.
Actually, it would do everyone good to read this:
http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-wordsMan. Now I'm not sure if I want to write down what I'm thinking about this. Because, it's going to seem conceited and it's really not!
I'm just... thankful that this concept isn't new to me.
I try to think of other possibilities to things that could irritate me.
Like David mentions:
"Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way."I wish everyone could just think this way. Because, it's not going to bother the driver of the Hummer if he cuts you off. You are the only one who's going to get upset. So, why not choose not to be?
Go against your natural "default settings" and think optimistically. Think of people as being good.
It makes you so much more happy.
It definitely keeps me in a better mood.
Another big thing I was thinking when I read this is that this is so difficult. It's not easy.
Especially when you're the only one trying and the only one who understands that this is a good thing to do.
People put me down for trying to put an ideal situation on things.
And it's so sad... and so tiring... for them to snap at me, "Oh shush, 'little miss perfect'"
I'm not perfect. Nor am I trying to appear perfect.
I just want you not to be mad.
Can't you see that I'm trying to help you?
Don't shoot me down.
It's hard enough.
Yeah. So. I hope that made sense. It seemed to come out a little jumbled. Hahaha, thanks for reading.
If you didn't read that speech. You should. And, don't just read it: apply it. It'll make life so much more bearable.
:)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Overthinking.
Lately, I believe I have been overthinking things too much.
Especially how I feel about things. It's almost like I'm afraid of "happiness" and so I trick myself into thinking I don't want it all together.
Or maybe it's the opposite: I really don't want it and I'm tricking myself into thinking I must be afraid so then I think that I do want it.
It's all so confusing. It...makes sense in my head...
But, there's a part of me that thinks, "What the hay-- go and play!" Bwahaha... no that's not really what I was thinking but the rhyme came out so hilariously I had to keep it..
*cough cough* Anyway, part of me that thinks, "What the heck! Just have fun!"
But, another part thats all logical and thinks, "You should really think through this. What if thats not the right thing to do? What if that, later, causes you pain? Is it really worth the effort?"
And... now that I'm typing this all out... I kinda wanna yell at the second half, "SHUT UP!" And maybe throw my shoe at it...
I have been thinking long and hard about this. And my conclusion IS that I've been overthinking it. Coming up with wild scenarios... Psh. Silly Whitney... You think like that too much and all you'll get in life is doubt. And more doubt. And doubts about your doubts! It never ends!! Hahaha! :)
So yeah. I don't know. I keep going up and down... up and down... up and down...
'And today, kids, the word of the day is "repetition". Anyone know what that means? It means you repeat something over and over and over to show emphasis...'
Yeah. I don't know what that's about... I felt as though it was necessary to explain why I keep repeating things... And it was kinda funny... to me at least...
But... even after all this I'm still going to continue to just overthink. . . :P I can't seem to reach a conclusion...
I'll try not to let it consume me...
Whoa. I didn't realize how depressing that post sounded until I re-read it! Don't get me wrong! I'm like SUPER happy right now. It's been wonderful. I've been hanging out with friends and my days are completely filled with laughter!
Also, only my exams are left. Tomorrow are two exams. I have one in the afternoon on Friday, one in the afternoon on Monday, and one on the half day on Tuesday! WOO! :D
I'm so pumped for summer!! It's gonna be great! :))
Especially how I feel about things. It's almost like I'm afraid of "happiness" and so I trick myself into thinking I don't want it all together.
Or maybe it's the opposite: I really don't want it and I'm tricking myself into thinking I must be afraid so then I think that I do want it.
It's all so confusing. It...makes sense in my head...
But, there's a part of me that thinks, "What the hay-- go and play!" Bwahaha... no that's not really what I was thinking but the rhyme came out so hilariously I had to keep it..
*cough cough* Anyway, part of me that thinks, "What the heck! Just have fun!"
But, another part thats all logical and thinks, "You should really think through this. What if thats not the right thing to do? What if that, later, causes you pain? Is it really worth the effort?"
And... now that I'm typing this all out... I kinda wanna yell at the second half, "SHUT UP!" And maybe throw my shoe at it...
I have been thinking long and hard about this. And my conclusion IS that I've been overthinking it. Coming up with wild scenarios... Psh. Silly Whitney... You think like that too much and all you'll get in life is doubt. And more doubt. And doubts about your doubts! It never ends!! Hahaha! :)
So yeah. I don't know. I keep going up and down... up and down... up and down...
'And today, kids, the word of the day is "repetition". Anyone know what that means? It means you repeat something over and over and over to show emphasis...'
Yeah. I don't know what that's about... I felt as though it was necessary to explain why I keep repeating things... And it was kinda funny... to me at least...
But... even after all this I'm still going to continue to just overthink. . . :P I can't seem to reach a conclusion...
I'll try not to let it consume me...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whoa. I didn't realize how depressing that post sounded until I re-read it! Don't get me wrong! I'm like SUPER happy right now. It's been wonderful. I've been hanging out with friends and my days are completely filled with laughter!
Also, only my exams are left. Tomorrow are two exams. I have one in the afternoon on Friday, one in the afternoon on Monday, and one on the half day on Tuesday! WOO! :D
I'm so pumped for summer!! It's gonna be great! :))
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Adorable or Obnoxious?
Today, I went to this hilariously funny play. And I laughed a whooooooole lot! My friends--who are all turds-- made fun of my loud and funny laughter...
Which... this is kinda what I talked about in an earlier post that I'm a very "expressive" in movies... same thing here.
And, to my friends who do make fun of me, I'm sure you do it because I have such funny reactions to your mockery. And, I don't hate being teased, it's...kinda fun..-ish? Kinda...? But really, I'm mostly just embarrassed...
Oh, at one point, I had my hat backwards and Mitch told me I look like Ash, and I totally threw my fist in the air dramatically and sang,(and not too badly, I might add) "Gotta catch 'em alllll, Pokémon!!"
And Mitch just had his trademark expression on of "Holy crap. That was so amazingly cute."
And then verbally told me, "Oh my gosh, Whitney. You're so adorable."
To which I blushed and made this face: :I
Mitch is one of the few people who regularly tell me that I'm adorable, and it always catches me off guard.
And, I was thinking about it. Because... I think Kirsten and even Mitch have asked, "Why do you hate being called cute so much? It's a compliment!"
Yeah. I know it's a good thing...
I had never really given it too much thought as to why I express such opposition to it. Maybe I just don't see it?
But, I guess part of it is that I'm just afraid. Afraid that other people--the silent ones who say nothing--think that I'm just faking my weird mannerisms to get attention.
Because, that's not it at all! I don't do it on purpose. I don't want to annoy anybody... And, I always try my hardest not to do things like that. (Like, screaming and yelling gibberish when playing cards and laughing outrageously loud during movies) I don't want people to think that I'm just being a fake. x(
Even today, Spencer (not the good friend one. ;}) knocked a hat off my head from behind and I jumped, making this small yelp in response. And he asked, "Do you do that on purpose?" And then mimicked the high-pitched yelp just to be a jerk. hahaha!
But, no. No, I do not.
I'm just jumpy.... And weeeeird...
Meh. I don't know. I know I'm fun to a lot of people because of my strange and weird behavioral traits... But, I can also see those people who just glare and are little turds about it.
Blah! I shouldn't care what they think! They are turds!
But, yeah, that doesn't make me accept being called adorable any more then before...
....Yeah, nooo.
Which... this is kinda what I talked about in an earlier post that I'm a very "expressive" in movies... same thing here.
And, to my friends who do make fun of me, I'm sure you do it because I have such funny reactions to your mockery. And, I don't hate being teased, it's...kinda fun..-ish? Kinda...? But really, I'm mostly just embarrassed...
Oh, at one point, I had my hat backwards and Mitch told me I look like Ash, and I totally threw my fist in the air dramatically and sang,(and not too badly, I might add) "Gotta catch 'em alllll, Pokémon!!"
And Mitch just had his trademark expression on of "Holy crap. That was so amazingly cute."
And then verbally told me, "Oh my gosh, Whitney. You're so adorable."
To which I blushed and made this face: :I
Mitch is one of the few people who regularly tell me that I'm adorable, and it always catches me off guard.
And, I was thinking about it. Because... I think Kirsten and even Mitch have asked, "Why do you hate being called cute so much? It's a compliment!"
Yeah. I know it's a good thing...
I had never really given it too much thought as to why I express such opposition to it. Maybe I just don't see it?
But, I guess part of it is that I'm just afraid. Afraid that other people--the silent ones who say nothing--think that I'm just faking my weird mannerisms to get attention.
Because, that's not it at all! I don't do it on purpose. I don't want to annoy anybody... And, I always try my hardest not to do things like that. (Like, screaming and yelling gibberish when playing cards and laughing outrageously loud during movies) I don't want people to think that I'm just being a fake. x(
Even today, Spencer (not the good friend one. ;}) knocked a hat off my head from behind and I jumped, making this small yelp in response. And he asked, "Do you do that on purpose?" And then mimicked the high-pitched yelp just to be a jerk. hahaha!
But, no. No, I do not.
I'm just jumpy.... And weeeeird...
Meh. I don't know. I know I'm fun to a lot of people because of my strange and weird behavioral traits... But, I can also see those people who just glare and are little turds about it.
Blah! I shouldn't care what they think! They are turds!
But, yeah, that doesn't make me accept being called adorable any more then before...
....Yeah, nooo.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Breaking out the Shorts!
Summer is almost here!
...And, you know what comes along with that: SCHOOL IS ALMOST OUT! WOOOO!!
I can't believe it. This year felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. And it wasn't even that significant. I mean, nothing happened, really.
Well, I guess I had good classes. Especially AP Chem. That's the best class I've ever had. :) Gonna miss it...
Anyway, back to summer! I'm so happppy!
I've actually already started wearing shorts, again. I'm going to pick up right where I left off last summer! Not going to worry about... what my legs look like... or... anything. xP
I decided to stop that last year. So. There.
Hahaha! Yeah, summer's going to be awesome. Looking forward to hanging with friends... going to the pool... and sleeping! :)
Oh, something I'm kind of disappointed about is the Lake Day this year, for my youth group. Well, I still love going to the lake and all... But, there's going to be a girls day and a boys day...
And... I was going to invite some friends to come, but most of them are guys. So... I can't...
And, that kind of saddens me. Because, I enjoy hanging with that guys and most of the time, I get along with guys more then I do with girls! :I
But, there looks like there's nothing I can do about it. . .
Oh! Also, I'm looking forward to MOVE. And for the Williamson County Fair at the end of summer! (but, that doesn't have to come so quickly) Hahaha! :)
Everything is looking good right now. :)
...And, you know what comes along with that: SCHOOL IS ALMOST OUT! WOOOO!!
I can't believe it. This year felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. And it wasn't even that significant. I mean, nothing happened, really.
Well, I guess I had good classes. Especially AP Chem. That's the best class I've ever had. :) Gonna miss it...
Anyway, back to summer! I'm so happppy!
I've actually already started wearing shorts, again. I'm going to pick up right where I left off last summer! Not going to worry about... what my legs look like... or... anything. xP
I decided to stop that last year. So. There.
Hahaha! Yeah, summer's going to be awesome. Looking forward to hanging with friends... going to the pool... and sleeping! :)
Oh, something I'm kind of disappointed about is the Lake Day this year, for my youth group. Well, I still love going to the lake and all... But, there's going to be a girls day and a boys day...
And... I was going to invite some friends to come, but most of them are guys. So... I can't...
And, that kind of saddens me. Because, I enjoy hanging with that guys and most of the time, I get along with guys more then I do with girls! :I
But, there looks like there's nothing I can do about it. . .
Oh! Also, I'm looking forward to MOVE. And for the Williamson County Fair at the end of summer! (but, that doesn't have to come so quickly) Hahaha! :)
Everything is looking good right now. :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Every Little Thing... is Gonna be Alright!
Today has been a good day.
Yesterday, was a crappy day.
And... today could've been a crappy day, too, y'know?
I'm really thankful to have such wonderful friends that love and support me.
...You! Yes, you! You don't have to be silent. You may think no one cares; but they do! You'd be surprised by how many people offer up a, "Hey, I hope everything gets better for you" or a "Hey, I'm prayin' for ya" when you just put yourself out there. No one thinks you're weak. No one looks down on you.
We want to lift you up! Give us a chance to. :)
I've realized that lately. Especially through writing here. I can say anything here that's just been on my mind and stuff that I can't seem to spit out to people when they ask me, "How're you?" and I reply, "I'm fine." without a second thought.
Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I'll be able to say, "Actually, I feel terrible." to the people around me--especially my family, I know it kills them when they know I'm not actually fine. I don't mean to "lie" to you guys.
I have made the choice to be optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day. A new day filled with new opportunites. I am not going to stay down. That would be wasting so much about this beautiful day God has given!
As my father told me, "You can't go from mountain-top to mountain-top. You have to go through the valley at some point..."
Yeah, you'll have some bad days... and some really bad days. But, it's not the end of the world. Your mountain-top is coming.
Oh, also, after my father finished saying that, I thought to myself, "I just wish I were on a plateau..." I didn't say it aloud because I had thought on it too long and the moment to say a witty remark had passed... Hahaha! But, anyway, I guess right now, I feel like I can make my valley into a plateau. That sounds silly, but really... We all have a choice. (No matter how much we hate that saying)
Lately, I've had some friends going through tough times too. And, I want to force this optimism on them so badly!
Pound the HAPPINESS into their FACE!! Haha, not that extremely.
But, I can't. And it kills me that I can't. They have to realize that they can be happy.
For example, at prom, I passed this friend of mine and we exchanged hello's.... but... he seemed down. I asked him if he was having fun and he told me that he was but he was trying to find this girl that he wanted to slow dance with, but hadn't found her yet. And, I gave him some encouragement and he sullenly said, "I hope so..." then walked away.
It... was very strange to me. I know that could be a little bit of a downer but... C'mon... Have fun!
I wasn't there with my prince charming like every girl wants and I was having a blast because I choose to have a blast!
I don't know... it just felt strange to me.
Be happy! .... (every little thing... is gonna be alright...)
;)
Yesterday, was a crappy day.
And... today could've been a crappy day, too, y'know?
I'm really thankful to have such wonderful friends that love and support me.
...You! Yes, you! You don't have to be silent. You may think no one cares; but they do! You'd be surprised by how many people offer up a, "Hey, I hope everything gets better for you" or a "Hey, I'm prayin' for ya" when you just put yourself out there. No one thinks you're weak. No one looks down on you.
We want to lift you up! Give us a chance to. :)
I've realized that lately. Especially through writing here. I can say anything here that's just been on my mind and stuff that I can't seem to spit out to people when they ask me, "How're you?" and I reply, "I'm fine." without a second thought.
Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I'll be able to say, "Actually, I feel terrible." to the people around me--especially my family, I know it kills them when they know I'm not actually fine. I don't mean to "lie" to you guys.
I have made the choice to be optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day. A new day filled with new opportunites. I am not going to stay down. That would be wasting so much about this beautiful day God has given!
As my father told me, "You can't go from mountain-top to mountain-top. You have to go through the valley at some point..."
Yeah, you'll have some bad days... and some really bad days. But, it's not the end of the world. Your mountain-top is coming.
Oh, also, after my father finished saying that, I thought to myself, "I just wish I were on a plateau..." I didn't say it aloud because I had thought on it too long and the moment to say a witty remark had passed... Hahaha! But, anyway, I guess right now, I feel like I can make my valley into a plateau. That sounds silly, but really... We all have a choice. (No matter how much we hate that saying)
Lately, I've had some friends going through tough times too. And, I want to force this optimism on them so badly!
Pound the HAPPINESS into their FACE!! Haha, not that extremely.
But, I can't. And it kills me that I can't. They have to realize that they can be happy.
For example, at prom, I passed this friend of mine and we exchanged hello's.... but... he seemed down. I asked him if he was having fun and he told me that he was but he was trying to find this girl that he wanted to slow dance with, but hadn't found her yet. And, I gave him some encouragement and he sullenly said, "I hope so..." then walked away.
It... was very strange to me. I know that could be a little bit of a downer but... C'mon... Have fun!
I wasn't there with my prince charming like every girl wants and I was having a blast because I choose to have a blast!
I don't know... it just felt strange to me.
Be happy! .... (every little thing... is gonna be alright...)
;)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Random Thoughts and Sleeping.
Before, I could never understand why really skinny people would end up being anorexic or bulimic. Because, come on! There are so many people who are overweight or obese and I don't hear so much about them doing that stuff.
I think I do now, though. (Don't worry! I won't do that... I love food too much...) But, this year I have been losing weight, which is soooo wonderful... Anyway, I've gotten to the point where it's like, I just have a little bit more to lose, just a little bit of "bleh" that needs to go away.
And, maybe that's the reason why so many skinny people do resort to hurting themselves because they're sooo close! Just a little bit more. And starving themselves seems like such a quick fix for it.
Well, I thought it was interesting..
Anyway... this weekend has been nice. I've pretty much been sleeping a whole lot. Napping is such a bad habit now. And I'm not even in college! Hahaha!
Yeah, but, seriously, yesterday, I woke up at 11, went to see Thor with my father, (which was such an AMAAAZING MOVIE! EEEEEE! *fan-girl scream*) then I came home and slept till supper. Today, I woke up at 7, went to church, came home, and slept. Well, I did wake up before dinner and went for a walk. :)
And, did you know that the word Thursday came from Thor? That's so amazing!!
I think I do now, though. (Don't worry! I won't do that... I love food too much...) But, this year I have been losing weight, which is soooo wonderful... Anyway, I've gotten to the point where it's like, I just have a little bit more to lose, just a little bit of "bleh" that needs to go away.
And, maybe that's the reason why so many skinny people do resort to hurting themselves because they're sooo close! Just a little bit more. And starving themselves seems like such a quick fix for it.
Well, I thought it was interesting..
Anyway... this weekend has been nice. I've pretty much been sleeping a whole lot. Napping is such a bad habit now. And I'm not even in college! Hahaha!
Yeah, but, seriously, yesterday, I woke up at 11, went to see Thor with my father, (which was such an AMAAAZING MOVIE! EEEEEE! *fan-girl scream*) then I came home and slept till supper. Today, I woke up at 7, went to church, came home, and slept. Well, I did wake up before dinner and went for a walk. :)
And, did you know that the word Thursday came from Thor? That's so amazing!!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Why Must Sad Come Right After Happy?
Girls. I wish I wasn't a girl. Wish I had been born a boy. So, I wouldn't have to deal with such petty things that comes with being a girl.
Oh, I'm not here to whine and say that being a girl is worse or that we have to have periods and give birth and whatever...
It's just the never-ending feeling of competition--of comparison.
I've noticed whenever I'm around alot of girls-- actually, no, even just one girl-- I feel like I have to act like her. I have to be a sheep. Follow the crowd.
That's so ridiculous. Why does it feel like that? They aren't glaring at, expecting me to act like any other girl. They aren't trying to do that to me. It's another one of those daily doses of lies I've feed myself for years and years. It's normalcy.
But I don't like that.
Pretty much my entire life, I've gotten along with guys more. They're goofy and there is soooo much less drama and package involved with just hanging out!
Today, for a good portion of this birthday party I went to, I was the only girl. (Don't worry. We're all good children. Parents there and stuff. :P) And, it was surprisingly a relief. I could just be a person. Even though, I was definitely different from them all. I felt comfortable. There was no pressure.
(Well, girls did come for a while, but they were cool. I was just thinking about how I had felt before.) So, that was fun. And nice to just laugh and not think about anything.
On another note...well, this is a little personal. But, I just feel used. I shouldn't feel afraid to write this, just because I know the people who read this, which, really should be the reason why I do write this... Anyway, it's so much easier to write this... I really don't feel like saying it.
The reason I started this blog, I finally was hurt enough to my breaking point. I opened myself up to someone, against a momentarily feeling of opposment to it... And, it was ended before it began.
Oh gosh, don't think this is so cliche. "You're just, what 17--18? You don't know what love is! How petty to get hurt over a guy!" Yeah. I'm almost 18. Yeah. I don't know what it is to truly love someone outside of my family. But, no. It's not petty to be hurt by a guy. It's so difficult for me to believe that any guy will truly like me.
And, when one finally honestly seemed to like me, for me. I...liked it. Who doesn't like being liked? So, don't say that. I don't need it.
Anyway. He suddenly changed and thought we should remain friends. I accepted his excuses of God's plan (which, I do believe that) But... I don't believe that was his main reason.
He... tricked himself into thinking he liked me. He liked the idea of liking me. Or something. But. He realized he didn't like me anymore...
And, he already liked someone else...
Someone he had liked before and couldn't have. But, now it seems like he can...
I'm so torn between being happy for him and... just feeling used.
I don't understand. Why must sad things come right after happy things?
The party I went to, it made me light-hearted and I didn't want to leave (because I was a girl and had to go home) and I come home to just seeing statuses... (That sounds stupid. Stupid teenagers addicted to facebook...)
I feel so terrible for slightly wanting someone to not be happy!
It's not me. And I never want it to be me.
Oh, I'm not here to whine and say that being a girl is worse or that we have to have periods and give birth and whatever...
It's just the never-ending feeling of competition--of comparison.
I've noticed whenever I'm around alot of girls-- actually, no, even just one girl-- I feel like I have to act like her. I have to be a sheep. Follow the crowd.
That's so ridiculous. Why does it feel like that? They aren't glaring at, expecting me to act like any other girl. They aren't trying to do that to me. It's another one of those daily doses of lies I've feed myself for years and years. It's normalcy.
But I don't like that.
Pretty much my entire life, I've gotten along with guys more. They're goofy and there is soooo much less drama and package involved with just hanging out!
Today, for a good portion of this birthday party I went to, I was the only girl. (Don't worry. We're all good children. Parents there and stuff. :P) And, it was surprisingly a relief. I could just be a person. Even though, I was definitely different from them all. I felt comfortable. There was no pressure.
(Well, girls did come for a while, but they were cool. I was just thinking about how I had felt before.) So, that was fun. And nice to just laugh and not think about anything.
On another note...well, this is a little personal. But, I just feel used. I shouldn't feel afraid to write this, just because I know the people who read this, which, really should be the reason why I do write this... Anyway, it's so much easier to write this... I really don't feel like saying it.
The reason I started this blog, I finally was hurt enough to my breaking point. I opened myself up to someone, against a momentarily feeling of opposment to it... And, it was ended before it began.
Oh gosh, don't think this is so cliche. "You're just, what 17--18? You don't know what love is! How petty to get hurt over a guy!" Yeah. I'm almost 18. Yeah. I don't know what it is to truly love someone outside of my family. But, no. It's not petty to be hurt by a guy. It's so difficult for me to believe that any guy will truly like me.
And, when one finally honestly seemed to like me, for me. I...liked it. Who doesn't like being liked? So, don't say that. I don't need it.
Anyway. He suddenly changed and thought we should remain friends. I accepted his excuses of God's plan (which, I do believe that) But... I don't believe that was his main reason.
He... tricked himself into thinking he liked me. He liked the idea of liking me. Or something. But. He realized he didn't like me anymore...
And, he already liked someone else...
Someone he had liked before and couldn't have. But, now it seems like he can...
I'm so torn between being happy for him and... just feeling used.
I don't understand. Why must sad things come right after happy things?
The party I went to, it made me light-hearted and I didn't want to leave (because I was a girl and had to go home) and I come home to just seeing statuses... (That sounds stupid. Stupid teenagers addicted to facebook...)
I feel so terrible for slightly wanting someone to not be happy!
It's not me. And I never want it to be me.
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