Why Must Sad Come Right After Happy?

Girls. I wish I wasn't a girl. Wish I had been born a boy. So, I wouldn't have to deal with such petty things that comes with being a girl.
Oh, I'm not here to whine and say that being a girl is worse or that we have to have periods and give birth and whatever...
It's just the never-ending feeling of competition--of comparison.

I've noticed whenever I'm around alot of girls-- actually, no, even just one girl-- I feel like I have to act like her. I have to be a sheep. Follow the crowd.

That's so ridiculous. Why does it feel like that? They aren't glaring at, expecting me to act like any other girl. They aren't trying to do that to me. It's another one of those daily doses of lies I've feed myself for years and years. It's normalcy.

But I don't like that.

Pretty much my entire life, I've gotten along with guys more. They're goofy and there is soooo much less drama and package involved with just hanging out!

Today, for a good portion of this birthday party I went to, I was the only girl. (Don't worry. We're all good children. Parents there and stuff. :P) And, it was surprisingly a relief. I could just be a person. Even though, I was definitely different from them all. I felt comfortable. There was no pressure.
(Well, girls did come for a while, but they were cool. I was just thinking about how I had felt before.) So, that was fun. And nice to just laugh and not think about anything.

On another note...well, this is a little personal. But, I just feel used. I shouldn't feel afraid to write this, just because I know the people who read this, which, really should be the reason why I do write this... Anyway, it's so much easier to write this... I really don't feel like saying it.

The reason I started this blog, I finally was hurt enough to my breaking point. I opened myself up to someone, against a momentarily feeling of opposment to it... And, it was ended before it began.
Oh gosh, don't think this is so cliche. "You're just, what 17--18? You don't know what love is! How petty to get hurt over a guy!" Yeah. I'm almost 18. Yeah. I don't know what it is to truly love someone outside of my family. But, no. It's not petty to be hurt by a guy. It's so difficult for me to believe that any guy will truly like me.
And, when one finally honestly seemed to like me, for me. I...liked it. Who doesn't like being liked? So, don't say that. I don't need it.

Anyway. He suddenly changed and thought we should remain friends. I accepted his excuses of God's plan (which, I do believe that) But... I don't believe that was his main reason.

He... tricked himself into thinking he liked me. He liked the idea of liking me. Or something. But. He realized he didn't like me anymore...
And, he already liked someone else...
Someone he had liked before and couldn't have. But, now it seems like he can...

I'm so torn between being happy for him and... just feeling used.

I don't understand. Why must sad things come right after happy things?

The party I went to, it made me light-hearted and I didn't want to leave (because I was a girl and had to go home) and I come home to just seeing statuses... (That sounds stupid. Stupid teenagers addicted to facebook...)

I feel so terrible for slightly wanting someone to not be happy!

It's not me. And I never want it to be me.