Lately, I have been plagued by the feeling of disbelief that things exist--that they’re real.
I used to just have this feeling rarely when I would look in the mirror and realize how strange it is that I exist. Thoughts would stream through my mind: how in the world do people recognize me?--what do I look like to others?--am I really here?
It’s like I would realize that I’m not just observing the world.
...I’m not the narrator.
But, now... It happens all the time, not just about myself, either.
I remember I went shopping with my mother during the summer and... I looked at her face. And it felt like I had never really looked at her face before. And, it felt strange that I was with her. That she was real.
An incredible sadness overcame me.
I realized I knew nothing--compared to how much she knew--about her. I’ll never...she her childhood. I’ll never truly know who
she is.
Is she real?
Also, lately, with Wesley... I often find myself staring at him and just...having to convince myself he’s real. Does he exist? Is he here?
Is anything around me real?
I look around my classroom...it’s weird that there is such an environment like this. It’s weird that I’m here.
People moving around seems so out of place.
How everyone thinks... Just like I can.
Today. Feels weird.
The fact that there is a today. The fact that I’m here.
Is this real?
I used the word “plagued” because... It’s such a terrible feeling.
Overthinking about this... It hinders me from feeling happy, being young, having fun, loving people around me, and just overall thinking.
I’m not sure you understand how much it takes for me to force myself to ignore the weird feeling and just enjoy Wesley’s company--just be happy with who I am--just...be able to be
quiet...
I constantly busy myself...I’m actually happy that I have homework!
--That’s messed up!
The only way I can deal with it is by praying. Praying that I continue to love. Because it’s hard to just love when...everything isn’t real. And I pray that the feeling goes away.
It helps.
But, as soon as I think about it again, it comes back.
It’s really... bothersome.
Up and down, up and down. It’s like I’m feeling depressed without any rational reason why.
I have a great life.
I don’t understand myself. And, I struggle with feeling a certain way when I know it’s not true.
...Let’s have adventures. Let’s paint a picture. Let’s dance. Let’s talk about moving to a different country. Let’s be goofy. Let’s take pictures of clouds. Let’s drive someplace.
I want to feel alive.
I want to accomplish something.
I want to ignore this plague of thoughts.
Because. They’re useless and obstructive...
So, let's continue to smile and laugh together.
