"This is Water" Thinking.

First off, the reason I haven't written anything on here... in almost two weeks-ish, is because I've been so... happy.
I still have so many thoughts that I could write about... but this happiness just seems to cover up my entire mind.
And, it's such a great thing! :)
I would explain... but it seems waaay too cheesy for me to explain through words on a blog. Hahaha!


Anyway, something that I've been wanting to write about since the first day of exams, which was... a week ago, is this speech we listened to in Creative Writing. Well, more accurately it was a commencement speech.
"This is Water." by David Foster Wallace.
Actually, it would do everyone good to read this:

http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

Man. Now I'm not sure if I want to write down what I'm thinking about this. Because, it's going to seem conceited and it's really not!
I'm just... thankful that this concept isn't new to me.
I try to think of other possibilities to things that could irritate me.
Like David mentions:

 "Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way."

I wish everyone could just think this way. Because, it's not going to bother the driver of the Hummer if he cuts you off. You are the only one who's going to get upset. So, why not choose not to be?
Go against your natural "default settings" and think optimistically. Think of people as being good.
It makes you so much more happy.
It definitely keeps me in a better mood.


Another big thing I was thinking when I read this is that this is so difficult. It's not easy.
Especially when you're the only one trying and the only one who understands that this is a good thing to do.
People put me down for trying to put an ideal situation on things.
And it's so sad... and so tiring... for them to snap at me, "Oh shush, 'little miss perfect'"
I'm not perfect. Nor am I trying to appear perfect.
I just want you not to be mad.
Can't you see that I'm trying to help you?
Don't shoot me down.
It's hard enough.


Yeah. So. I hope that made sense. It seemed to come out a little jumbled. Hahaha, thanks for reading.


If you didn't read that speech. You should. And, don't just read it: apply it. It'll make life so much more bearable.
:)

Overthinking.

Lately, I believe I have been overthinking things too much.
Especially how I feel about things. It's almost like I'm afraid of "happiness" and so I trick myself into thinking I don't want it all together.

Or maybe it's the opposite: I really don't want it and I'm tricking myself into thinking I must be afraid so then I think that I do want it.

It's all so confusing. It...makes sense in my head...
But, there's a part of me that thinks, "What the hay-- go and play!" Bwahaha... no that's not really what I was thinking but the rhyme came out so hilariously I had to keep it..

*cough cough* Anyway, part of me that thinks, "What the heck! Just have fun!"
But, another part thats all logical and thinks, "You should really think through this. What if thats not the right thing to do? What if that, later, causes you pain? Is it really worth the effort?"

And... now that I'm typing this all out... I kinda wanna yell at the second half, "SHUT UP!" And maybe throw my shoe at it...

I have been thinking long and hard about this. And my conclusion IS that I've been overthinking it. Coming up with wild scenarios... Psh. Silly Whitney... You think like that too much and all you'll get in life is doubt. And more doubt. And doubts about your doubts! It never ends!! Hahaha! :)

So yeah. I don't know. I keep going up and down... up and down... up and down...
'And today, kids, the word of the day is "repetition". Anyone know what that means? It means you repeat something over and over and over to show emphasis...'

Yeah. I don't know what that's about... I felt as though it was necessary to explain why I keep repeating things... And it was kinda funny... to me at least...

But... even after all this I'm still going to continue to just overthink. . . :P I can't seem to reach a conclusion...

I'll try not to let it consume me...

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Whoa. I didn't realize how depressing that post sounded until I re-read it! Don't get me wrong! I'm like SUPER happy right now. It's been wonderful. I've been hanging out with friends and my days are completely filled with laughter!

Also, only my exams are left. Tomorrow are two exams. I have one in the afternoon on Friday, one in the afternoon on Monday, and one on the half day on Tuesday! WOO! :D

I'm so pumped for summer!! It's gonna be great! :))

Adorable or Obnoxious?

Today, I went to this hilariously funny play. And I laughed a whooooooole lot! My friends--who are all turds-- made fun of my loud and funny laughter...
Which... this is kinda what I talked about in an earlier post that I'm a very "expressive" in movies... same thing here.

And, to my friends who do make fun of me, I'm sure you do it because I have such funny reactions to your mockery. And, I don't hate being teased, it's...kinda fun..-ish? Kinda...? But really, I'm mostly just embarrassed...

Oh, at one point, I had my hat backwards and Mitch told me I look like Ash, and I totally threw my fist in the air dramatically and sang,(and not too badly, I might add) "Gotta catch 'em alllll, Pokémon!!"
And Mitch just had his trademark expression on of "Holy crap. That was so amazingly cute."
And then verbally told me, "Oh my gosh, Whitney. You're so adorable."
To which I blushed and made this face: :I

Mitch is one of the few people who regularly tell me that I'm adorable, and it always catches me off guard.
And, I was thinking about it. Because... I think Kirsten and even Mitch have asked, "Why do you hate being called cute so much? It's a compliment!"
Yeah. I know it's a good thing...
I had never really given it too much thought as to why I express such opposition to it. Maybe I just don't see it?

But, I guess part of it is that I'm just afraid. Afraid that other people--the silent ones who say nothing--think that I'm just faking my weird mannerisms to get attention.
Because, that's not it at all! I don't do it on purpose. I don't want to annoy anybody... And, I always try my hardest not to do things like that. (Like, screaming and yelling gibberish when playing cards and laughing outrageously loud during movies) I don't want people to think that I'm just being a fake. x(

Even today, Spencer (not the good friend one. ;}) knocked a hat off my head from behind and I jumped, making this small yelp in response. And he asked, "Do you do that on purpose?" And then mimicked the high-pitched yelp just to be a jerk. hahaha!
But, no. No, I do not.
I'm just jumpy.... And weeeeird...

Meh. I don't know. I know I'm fun to a lot of people because of my strange and weird behavioral traits... But, I can also see those people who just glare and are little turds about it.

Blah! I shouldn't care what they think! They are turds!

But, yeah, that doesn't make me accept being called adorable any more then before...

....Yeah, nooo.

Breaking out the Shorts!

Summer is almost here!
...And, you know what comes along with that: SCHOOL IS ALMOST OUT! WOOOO!!
I can't believe it. This year felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. And it wasn't even that significant. I mean, nothing happened, really.
Well, I guess I had good classes. Especially AP Chem. That's the best class I've ever had. :) Gonna miss it...

Anyway, back to summer! I'm so happppy!
I've actually already started wearing shorts, again. I'm going to pick up right where I left off last summer! Not going to worry about... what my legs look like... or... anything. xP

I decided to stop that last year. So. There.

Hahaha! Yeah, summer's going to be awesome. Looking forward to hanging with friends... going to the pool... and sleeping! :)

Oh, something I'm kind of disappointed about is the Lake Day this year, for my youth group. Well, I still love going to the lake and all... But, there's going to be a girls day and a boys day...
And... I was going to invite some friends to come, but most of them are guys. So... I can't...
And, that kind of saddens me. Because, I enjoy hanging with that guys and most of the time, I get along with guys more then I do with girls! :I
But, there looks like there's nothing I can do about it. . .

Oh! Also, I'm looking forward to MOVE. And for the Williamson County Fair at the end of summer! (but, that doesn't have to come so quickly) Hahaha! :)

Everything is looking good right now. :)

Every Little Thing... is Gonna be Alright!

Today has been a good day.

Yesterday, was a crappy day.

And... today could've been a crappy day, too, y'know?
I'm really thankful to have such wonderful friends that love and support me.

...You! Yes, you! You don't have to be silent. You may think no one cares; but they do! You'd be surprised by how many people offer up a, "Hey, I hope everything gets better for you" or a "Hey, I'm prayin' for ya" when you just put yourself out there. No one thinks you're weak. No one looks down on you.
We want to lift you up! Give us a chance to. :)

I've realized that lately. Especially through writing here. I can say anything here that's just been on my mind and stuff that I can't seem to spit out to people when they ask me, "How're you?" and I reply, "I'm fine." without a second thought.

Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I'll be able to say, "Actually, I feel terrible." to the people around me--especially my family, I know it kills them when they know I'm not actually fine. I don't mean to "lie" to you guys.

I have made the choice to be optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day. A new day filled with new opportunites. I am not going to stay down. That would be wasting so much about this beautiful day God has given!


As my father told me, "You can't go from mountain-top to mountain-top. You have to go through the valley at some point..."
Yeah, you'll have some bad days... and some really bad days. But, it's not the end of the world. Your mountain-top is coming.

Oh, also, after my father finished saying that, I thought to myself, "I just wish I were on a plateau..." I didn't say it aloud because I had thought on it too long and the moment to say a witty remark had passed... Hahaha! But, anyway, I guess right now, I feel like I can make my valley into a plateau. That sounds silly, but really... We all have a choice. (No matter how much we hate that saying)

Lately, I've had some friends going through tough times too. And, I want to force this optimism on them so badly!
Pound the HAPPINESS into their FACE!! Haha, not that extremely.
But, I can't. And it kills me that I can't. They have to realize that they can be happy.

For example, at prom, I passed this friend of mine and we exchanged hello's.... but... he seemed down. I asked him if he was having fun and he told me that he was but he was trying to find this girl that he wanted to slow dance with, but hadn't found her yet. And, I gave him some encouragement and he sullenly said, "I hope so..." then walked away.
It... was very strange to me. I know that could be a little bit of a downer but... C'mon... Have fun!
I wasn't there with my prince charming like every girl wants and I was having a blast because I choose to have a blast!
I don't know... it just felt strange to me.

Be happy! .... (every little thing... is gonna be alright...)
;)

Random Thoughts and Sleeping.

Before, I could never understand why really skinny people would end up being anorexic or bulimic. Because, come on! There are so many people who are overweight or obese and I don't hear so much about them doing that stuff.

I think I do now, though. (Don't worry! I won't do that... I love food too much...) But, this year I have been losing weight, which is soooo wonderful... Anyway, I've gotten to the point where it's like, I just have a little bit more to lose, just a little bit of "bleh" that needs to go away.

And, maybe that's the reason why so many skinny people do resort to hurting themselves because they're sooo close! Just a little bit more. And starving themselves seems like such a quick fix for it.

Well, I thought it was interesting..

Anyway... this weekend has been nice. I've pretty much been sleeping a whole lot. Napping is such a bad habit now. And I'm not even in college! Hahaha!

Yeah, but, seriously, yesterday, I woke up at 11, went to see Thor with my father, (which was such an AMAAAZING MOVIE! EEEEEE! *fan-girl scream*) then I came home and slept till supper. Today, I woke up at 7, went to church, came home, and slept. Well, I did wake up before dinner and went for a walk. :)

And, did you know that the word Thursday came from Thor? That's so amazing!!

Why Must Sad Come Right After Happy?

Girls. I wish I wasn't a girl. Wish I had been born a boy. So, I wouldn't have to deal with such petty things that comes with being a girl.
Oh, I'm not here to whine and say that being a girl is worse or that we have to have periods and give birth and whatever...
It's just the never-ending feeling of competition--of comparison.

I've noticed whenever I'm around alot of girls-- actually, no, even just one girl-- I feel like I have to act like her. I have to be a sheep. Follow the crowd.

That's so ridiculous. Why does it feel like that? They aren't glaring at, expecting me to act like any other girl. They aren't trying to do that to me. It's another one of those daily doses of lies I've feed myself for years and years. It's normalcy.

But I don't like that.

Pretty much my entire life, I've gotten along with guys more. They're goofy and there is soooo much less drama and package involved with just hanging out!

Today, for a good portion of this birthday party I went to, I was the only girl. (Don't worry. We're all good children. Parents there and stuff. :P) And, it was surprisingly a relief. I could just be a person. Even though, I was definitely different from them all. I felt comfortable. There was no pressure.
(Well, girls did come for a while, but they were cool. I was just thinking about how I had felt before.) So, that was fun. And nice to just laugh and not think about anything.

On another note...well, this is a little personal. But, I just feel used. I shouldn't feel afraid to write this, just because I know the people who read this, which, really should be the reason why I do write this... Anyway, it's so much easier to write this... I really don't feel like saying it.

The reason I started this blog, I finally was hurt enough to my breaking point. I opened myself up to someone, against a momentarily feeling of opposment to it... And, it was ended before it began.
Oh gosh, don't think this is so cliche. "You're just, what 17--18? You don't know what love is! How petty to get hurt over a guy!" Yeah. I'm almost 18. Yeah. I don't know what it is to truly love someone outside of my family. But, no. It's not petty to be hurt by a guy. It's so difficult for me to believe that any guy will truly like me.
And, when one finally honestly seemed to like me, for me. I...liked it. Who doesn't like being liked? So, don't say that. I don't need it.

Anyway. He suddenly changed and thought we should remain friends. I accepted his excuses of God's plan (which, I do believe that) But... I don't believe that was his main reason.

He... tricked himself into thinking he liked me. He liked the idea of liking me. Or something. But. He realized he didn't like me anymore...
And, he already liked someone else...
Someone he had liked before and couldn't have. But, now it seems like he can...

I'm so torn between being happy for him and... just feeling used.

I don't understand. Why must sad things come right after happy things?

The party I went to, it made me light-hearted and I didn't want to leave (because I was a girl and had to go home) and I come home to just seeing statuses... (That sounds stupid. Stupid teenagers addicted to facebook...)

I feel so terrible for slightly wanting someone to not be happy!

It's not me. And I never want it to be me.

Notice My Jumpiness?

It's interesting to see how people notice things that you don't expect them to.

Today, in my AP chem class, we were playing the card game Mafia (because we've already taken the AP exam).
And...well, first let me tell you this: I am a very jumpy person. You say boo to me in the hallway and I will jump. So, card games... they freak me out. I get into it too much and I end up screaming in fear and getting all twitchy. I'm like that with movies, too. Gosh. It's a curse. Even if I've seen the movie before! I jump and I scream like it's new to me! Some people really like watching movies with me because I'm hilarious to watch. But, I suspect alot of people just find it annoying. Especially in movie theaters. I'm sorry everyone! Ahh! >_<

Anyway, Mafia's a little worse then just any ole card game, because I get freaked out and then people start accusing me of being in the Mafia when I'm innocent--innocent, I say! And I'm all jumpy because... I'm freaking afraid to die? In a CARD GAME?

Yeah, I think I'm weird, too........

Anyway, Spencer (different Spencer), Sam, and Don were making fun of me. Well, everyone was at one point but they kept at it... And Spencer kept making fun of how I was saying that I was going to hurt him and my gestures.
When I eat, my body kind of folds inwardly; I slouch and tuck my arms in and munch on the food with my hands right by my mouth. So, he was mimicking me...
And, for a moment, I didn't notice that he was copying me. Because, I have never really taken notice of that. It was strange to think that other people notice that...

Also, during a round, everyone was analyzing the behavior of the medic persona and how they usually save themselves; it came up that there could be a selfless medic. And, Olivia chimed in, "Then it would be Whitney." Oh my goodness. It made me so happy. Isn't that sweet? I didn't think that people viewed me as selfless. I'm glad some people do! I don't know, it was really cool. Must be doing some things right. :)

Inanimate Objects Love and Hate, too.

Oh my goodness. I am about to throw my sister's laptop out the window! Ok, no. I'm not really THAT upset. But, I do feel like going around, taking things out of people's hands, and throwing them to the ground... then walking away without any explanation.

I'm doing this English project that I actually really like! ...and since I wanted to fully unleash my creativeness into this project, I used my sister's laptop since she has this awesome program. (instead of boring 'ole moviemaker...)

But it's screwing up on me! Waaaaah! Whhhhy!? I've worked so hard.... Why are you so blurry?! So pixalated?! D:

This program hates me. I know it.

My dad commented, "There are two types of people. Programmers. And 'people.' Programmers know that programs are only tools--" At this point I stopped paying attention to his explanation of programs not having emotions.

Because I don't like that idea. Why can't we all just believe inanimate objects love and hate, too? Seriously, my phone doesn't simply "fall-out-of-my-pocket" by itself! It jumps. Jumps.
And my sister knows very well that video games always choose me to be nice to! Haha!
Also, I think we'd be a little more nice to our possessions and not abuse them, if we just acknowledge their human preferences affect their performance.

But... I'm pretty darn sure this program hates me. It could not contain my creativeness and it's trying to mess me up!

I only have two more days to finish this.

And that's one more then it should--the box with the numbers liked me and I drew the 2nd to last number to present my project to the class... Hahaha!

...SO. I'm freaking out.

I like this project. Why can't the program accept our love and move on? I'd like it too if it wasn't being so mean!

....C'MON! Stop being jealous!

**EDIT** An hour-ish later...

Alright! It's going better now! Thank you my tech-savvy father! I lovers you! :)

And thank you, program, for realizing that all you were being was jealous and that wasn't going to solve anything. ;)

Prom Thoughts.

I haven’t wrote anything for the past few days because I just couldn’t find anything substantial enough to write about. I only had prom on my brain… Which, I felt like it would be too cliché to continue writing about my thoughts on it. …But here I am.

I was worried about it, as I expressed before. And, the day before, I realized why I was so nervous. I was very concerned about if my date would have fun. There’s a lot of background to why I would worry so… But, I just didn’t want to ruin his time at prom… And, after realizing that was why I was nervous, I thought to myself, “That’s kind of silly. You should enjoy yourself if you want. He can decide to have fun or not on his own!” And, that really helped me get rid of a little bit of that nervousness and just be excited.

Anyway, it was wonderful. Better than I thought. My hair was done amazingly, as you can see. And my dress was perfect. :) I felt comfortable and I felt…beautiful… Despite my date’s lack of notice, or lack of conveying what he thought--which I don’t really mind that he didn‘t say much… it’s whatever! XD
Mostly because everyone else was SO encouraging! Sooo many wonderful compliments--even from people I didn’t know!

I am kind of shocked, also, about how I looked.
I’ve always felt strange when I look in a mirror and see myself. It’s almost as if I can’t believe I’m actually a person, not just a narrator observing everyone else’s lives. I don’t know why… it’s like I can’t recognize myself as someone, or comprehend how other people can recognize me. I can’t see what’s “good” or what’s “bad”. Is that describing plainness? But, I don’t know if that’s quite how I feel… It’s weird…

Anyway, so that’s why I was even more shocked yesterday, I couldn’t recognize myself, again, but in a different way! Hahaha! So, I was just happy about that. :) Thank you, everyone! :D You were all so very nice!

Oh, also, at prom, I actually danced. What? Whitney dance? Yeah. I did! I think I would’ve tried to get out of it if we hadn’t gotten on the dance floor so quickly--it caught me off guard and suddenly I was surrounded by people dancing. And my date was dancing. So… I did.
I hope I wasn’t too terribly embarrassing for him. Hahaha! But, I didn’t really care.

It was fun. And... it was a happy ending... But, it feels kinda sad to admit that.