The Beginning of Starting Again.

This was written yesterday, Saturday, April 16, 2011.

In the transition from sophomore year to junior year, I was faced with some pretty big changes. The catalyst of all these changes was that my close group of friends had just graduated--I was going to be alone my junior year. More like, I would be if I didn’t find some new friends, a new group.
Which I wasn’t looking forward to. I wouldn’t say I’m anti-social, just majorly self-conscious and confidence-lacking... So that was definitely going to be difficult...
It was going to be a clean-slate, though.
A new start.
Could I change? Could I allow myself to show others who I really am?
I wanted to.
And, it seems kind of terrible, but because of this thought of a “clean-slate”, I lost contact with some of my old friends, dropping off their radars...drifting apart... (I do love you guys dearly.)
But, I...needed this. I gained some new friends over the summer and my mindset did a complete 180...

Before, I was yearning to go to college, live by myself, work, and get married... All things I thought would make me...me. I felt like... I was waiting to become myself.

And, I feel, now, that I am myself.

I don't have to "grow up" to finally be somebody... That may seem like such an...obvious statement, and I thought that too, before. But, now that I've tasted what it feels like to just be me... I realize that I wasn't "living" that statement.

I liked myself more then I ever have before. I gained confidence over the summer and was goofy, (because I am goofy!) and I... felt great. I enjoyed being me!
Unfortunately, this school year has been going on for around 8 months and slowly my newly-found confidence has been being chiseled away...and old self-hating habits have worked their way back out of the ground... I have dwindled severely. I’m, again, afraid to talk to people--to be myself...
But, I haven’t given up. I continue to try and be myself. And I know that... I am myself... And I shouldn’t hold back because of what others may think.
Like so many things, that is... much easier said, then done.