I Give into the Lies...

I hate feeling sad. And I hate it when it comes out of nowhere.

--Rambling Start--

And, it just mutiplies when my thoughts begin to wander and form sentences from tiny seeds of doubt that sprout.
Before long, those seeds have grown into what seems like an impassible jungle.

Why do I give into the lies?
Because they somewhat have a logical ancestry?

I see people--people I think are great-- just dog on people around them and always gripe about friends behind their backs, with no intention of actually saying something to help solve irritations.

Why do I not trust people very easily?
Because I see what happens behind-the-scenes. I have no excepts to that. I'm not perfect... no one is... It's just so difficult to put myself out there when I know people will mock me.
People who say I'm awesome. People who say that we're friends.
Gosh, I wish I could just ignore everything I see and be ignorant. I'd be so much more happy.

Geez. Why do I always go up and down in how I feel? Why do I feel like no one wants me? Cuz it's not true. People tell me it's not true. And friends and family who read this, this must hurt them to know that I think that. It's so stupid. Stupid.

I don't want to feel like that. Why is my mindset still stuck in the mud? My knowledge knows better.

I try to act like things don't bother me. But, they do. I have realized alot of things and I'm know what I need to do to better myself, to be me, right now. Why is it so difficult to be yourself? Anyway, lately, I've figured this stuff out, as all these just mentally-heavy things just keep falling on me.

I thought I cried them out a couple weeks back! But I just buried some things again! It's so aggravating! What is it going to take for me to just... magically "get it" to "live it." Which is impossible. These hurtful things... they are steering me. And I don't want that! I want happy things. Gosh, I want a guy to actually like me. I want best friends that... are naturally my friends... I want. I want. I want.

I sicken myself, really.

Oh. God. I know... I know you've sent people to encourage me. My English teacher told me, when I was saying I compare myself to others too much, "Whitney. I compare everyone else to YOU."
And, Mr. Steve, my Sunday school teacher, said something along the lines of: "Whitney. I'm so proud of you.... I know God has such a great plan for you... I look at my granddaughter and think that I want her to be just like you. You are a wonderful young woman and it has been an honor to know you." And I'm crying at that point and at my keyboard, now...
And Spencer, one of the best friends I've ever had was just telling what an amazing person I am. And that he's so glad we're friends.

It makes me so happy that they say that... I... wish I wouldn't just take their words so lightly. They weigh on my heart, for sure, but everything negative thats been going on has been pushing everything good off the front row.

I see God helping me through this. I see it so clearly.

...

What am I doing? ...I feel so incredibly human.

I give into the lies.

*EDIT*

--30 minutes later--

Deep breaths. Blabababa! Ok. I'm better. Thank you, Spencer, for spoon-feeding me my own advice... Hahaha
I was minorly melting down and simply giving into the lies. When they're just that. Lies.
Sorry, guys. I'll leave this up, just to show you what goes through my mind when I'm left to apply pessimisic theories to my situations.
But mostly I'm leaving this up for myself. To see that it's not true. Just a passing thought, with no truth.
The wind will quickly blow away all false ideas that have no roots. Thank you, God.