“My life’s motif had been loneliness, I’ve noticed. Every impactful moment in my entire life has been about me struggling to belong to a community: a group of friends, or my church youth group. I hate being alone... Yet, I find comfort in that loneliness.”And, I can't seem to get it out of my head, I’ve just been constantly thinking about this idea, and it’s really been hitting me that it’s so... true. (that sentence might've been very repetitive, but its the true emphasis of my thinking!) The notion has just brushed by me. Every time I’ve had a big moment and I’ve seen God working through me... I thought it was just something to make me stronger: “I can do this by myself now.”
When really, God has been trying to show me that I need people.
I can’t go through life closing myself off. Keeping my feelings locked in a vault buried in the ground! Family heals. Friends heal.
I’m not sure what I was afraid of. Weakness, maybe? I do hate admitting that I’m weak. I like to be strong. To be someone that others look up to and try to get through things.
When, let’s face it, I’m pretty much a doll sewn together to look perfect on the outside, while my insides are just fluff and no structure. Eventually, my seems would come undone and everything would see what a horrible wreck I am, if they hadn’t already guessed.
I guess God planned on that. Nobody’s perfect.
Except Jesus. And gosh, I find great comfort in the fact that Jesus knows and understands how I feel--probably to a much higher degree. But, the sadness, the rejection, and the loneliness most of all. He went through it all. To the extreme. Before, I was very... Sad, almost guilty, that he had to die on the cross for us: “We [humans] are all so stupid! Gah! Why do we continue to make mistakes!?”
But now, I have such an amazement. And such gratitude. He... Died for me. He went through all that pain, just so we wouldn’t have to pay the price for what we do. Gosh. That. Is. Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment